Every Kiss Begins with Kay

Concentration bunched up Dib's forehead as he tried (once again) to crack the encoded firewall; it was the only thing that kept his curiosity from the bowels of the government's information storage network-567ASLKAY298476. The Swollen Eyeball Network confirmed that this "recycle bin," as it was called, held all the information the government had on everything paranormal and supernatural, so it was only natural that Dib had to crack the code and get inside.

Such a process required deep concentration and little distraction, so why he was attempting such a feat during home room in Hi Skool some would consider a mystery. To him, however, it was yet another mission to save the world from....him.

**********

Agent White Fang, Agent Dark Booty's predecessor in the S.E.N., had called Dib just as the boy was about to go to sleep the previous night.

"Agent Mothman." No response from the lump under the covers.

"Agent Mothman?" A slight movement, a muttered curse, then silence.

"AGENT MOTHMAN!!" the agent screamed.

"What? I'm up!" Dib snapped, rolling over and grabbing his glasses from the table next to the bed. Only a teenager could be woken from sleep by a screaming adult and think nothing of it, save for irritation. He flopped down into his computer chair and eyed the floating screen (more accurately, the glowing eyes and dark silleoute on the screen) with a mixture of curiosity and loathing. "This better be important. I have school tomorrow and I need all the sleep I can get."

"Sleep is simply a concept the overbearing government popularized to stop people like us from cracking their well-guarded secrets," White Fang said triumphantly, as though this was part of some magnificent speech to rally his tired soldier. Dib raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. Unlike Dark Booty, former head of the S.E.N., Fang was a bit of a pompous idiot and was overly dramatic when there was no call for it.

"Whatever," Dib said testily. "So, what is it?"

The red eyes on the screen narrowed. "Normally, I'd get someone else to do this mission, what with your beauty sleep being more important than the FATE OF HUMAN KIND...!"

With a disgusted sigh, Dib slapped the mute button as Fang ranted, not wanting to wake his father or, God above, his sister Gaz. When Fang calmed down (or, more likely, when he realized Dib was now longer listening), Dib unmuted the screen. "You were saying?" he asked.

"Right. As I was saying, we need someone with your particular hacking skills, Mothman." Fang was speaking civilly now, as though his previous outbursts had never occurred, which made Dib question if the new Eyeball leader was schizophrenic, or at least bipolar. When there was silence, Dib realized that he must have been zoning out, because Fang was looking at him with a mixture of concern and annoyance. Dib nodded for him to continue.

"Agent Nessie was able to hack into a government data base via the wi-fi connection at McMeaty's. Before her computer was infected with a superbug, she was able to discover a seemingly innocent Recycle Bin filled with files upon files on extraterrestrials, cryptids, and other supernatural and paranormal activities."

"Was she able to download any of the information before the bug hit?" Dib asked.

Fang shook his head. "No, and we haven't heard form Nessie since then either."

Dib stroked his chin, the lack of hair making him seem both young and feminine, and was a sore point with his father. "Let me guess. You want me to infiltrate the government data infrastructure and try to download this 'bin,' correct?"

"Would you be so kind?" Fang asked sarcastically.

Dib ignored him, the number one maneuver in any well-armed teenage arsenal. "What should I download the info onto?"

Fang moved as though to hold something in front of the screen. There was a whirling sound of a computer at work, and in the Teletray at the bottom of the floating screen materialized a flash drive.

Dib held the small thing up dubiously. "A flash drive? That's it?"

"No, it's a Mobile Hacking and Saving Driver, M.H.S.D.. It can hold over one terrabyte of information, and once encrypted no one can open it save for the hacker and the programmer. Plus, if it falls into the wrong hands, it has enough C4 to disintegrate a tank!"

Dib held the device at arms length, as though afraid it would decide he was the 'wrong hands.' "Thanks, I think."

"Good Luck Mothman!" Fang giggled like a little girl and the screen went black.

"Definitely schizo," Dib muttered. He yawned, stretched his arms and cracked his knuckles. Despite the uninterest he had shown while talking to Fang, now that he was alone, his fingers trembled with anticipation. If he succeeded, he could never be called a foolish moron again! He'd prove them all wrong, everyone!

With that said, Dib stood up to stretch. Walking over to the cabinet near his computer, he pulled out a miniature coffee machine, a cup, coffee beans, creamer, and a large container of hot chocolate. He got the coffee maker going and, as the dark liquid began seeping into the pot, tipped equally large amounts of creamer and hot cocoa mix into his cup. While preparing his liquid energy, he pulled out a packet of Tasty Squid Toasted-Pockets ("A mouthful of squid wrapped in flaky pastry! Warning: Squid may or may not be alive at time of consumption.").

Dib's hands trembled as he waited for the coffee to finish. Though it was only making about four cups, it seemed to be taking forever. He fiddled with one of the piercings in his right ear absently.

"Is the government somehow slowing time down, knowing that my hacking skills rely heavily on how much caffeine I consume beforehand?" he pondered aloud before slapping a hand over his mouth. How he could forget Gaz was just down the hallway? If she woke up now, and this time of night....

A drop of sweat trickled down the teen's face. Hacking into the most heavily guarded government databases was no sweat, but just the thought of waking up his little sister in the middle of the night was enough to set his body into "fight or flight" mode, flight being the obvious choice.

A quiet ding! filtered through his panic-blocked ears, and Dib was able to relax...slightly. Now, if Gaz did come in the room and try to kill him, he could throw the coffee at her and escape through the window. Knowing his sister, though, having boiling hot liquid thrown in her face would hardly phase her.

Dib poured some of the coffee into his cup and stirred it with a lonely chopstick from the previous night's dinner, its other half lost in the disaster zone that passed for the boy's bedroom. Together with his coffee and calamari treats, Dib sat at his computer and set to work.

**********

Gaz was about to walk outside to catch the bus when she noticed Dib's rage-inducing voice was not drifting up from the kitchen. She rolled her large eyes when she saw his alien-postered door was closed. Dib only closed his door when he wanted "alone time," and when he was asleep. Though he was a freak of non-human nature, Gaz was pretty sure it was too early in the morning to be jerking off.

For a moment, the idea of letting the idiot sleep in and miss the bus was tempting, but if that were to happen, Dad probably wouldn't let her hear the end of it for years to come. He might not even get her the new Game Slave SuperSpecialAwesome Edition she wanted for her birthday!

Just the thought was enough to want to kill Dib.

Gaz knocked once, only to say she had in fact knocked if she came across any unpleasant situations, then barged into Dib's room.

His bed was empty, which didn't surprise her when she found him hunched over his computer. The faint smell of coffee told her he had pulled another all-nighter. "Dib, did you stay up all night jacking-off to those alien pictures again?" she snarled.

Dib didn't answer, which annoyed Gaz even more. He was busily typing away on the computer; she could clearly hear the music coming from his headphones. A bomb could have gone off behind him and he would never have realized it.

Gaz smiled wickedly.

When the large UFO encyclopedia bounced off of Dib's head, it was a pure chibi moment. He fell out of his chair, a mixture of confusion and pain on his dazed face. He sat up, hand to his head, glaring at his sister.

"Gaz, what the hell was that for?!" Dib stood up, then looked at the computer screen, and howled in defeat.

The screen was black; while falling, he had hit the power button.

"Noooooooooooooooo!! I was so close, so close!" He fell to his knees, and punched the floor, while sobbing loudly.

Gaz rolled her eyes. "Dib, if you don't hurry your slow ass up, we're gonna miss the bus, and I am not going to miss school today because we're dissecting live frogs in biology today. Plus, I will pull out every one of your pubic hairs if Dad doesn't give me the new Game Slave because you missed school!"

"I have failed the world...!" Dib moaned, looking more depressed then ever.

"Oh Jesus, Dib! Just take your computer to school and do your geeky thing there!"