Eric Cartman Must Die

Eric Cartman Must Die

By DeadKenny

DISCLAIMER: The song that Scott sings belongs to Radiohead. I'm not sure what the name of the song is, since I don't know Radiohead too well. But it's theirs. There. I said Now Now don't sue!

A/N: This story, which will be written in script format, follows the episode "Scott Tenorman Must Die".

[Stan Marsh's house, late evening. Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny, all of whom are staying the night at Stan's house, are in his room. All four are talking.]

Kyle: Dude, did you see that sweet Okama GameSphere 2 my mom bought me? It was fuckin' killer! [A/N: This is an obvious parody of the Gamecube.]

Cartman: Yeah. That Thirst For Blood 2 kicks ass. [to Kenny] You practically pissed yourself when I ripped off your balls and shoved them down your throat, you poor piece of shit!

Kenny: (Fuck you.)

[The door opens, and Sharon enters. She looks upset.]

Sharon: Boys, Randy and I are going to the hospital to visit Stan's grandpa and we think you should all come with us.

[The boys get up and leave out the door. All except for Stan.]

Sharon: Come along, Stanley.

Stan: No. That's okay, mom. I'll just stay here.

Sharon: [meaning business] NOW Stanley!

Stan: God-fucking-damnit!

Sharon: Language, young man!

[Car, later. Sharon is at the wheel, with Randy in the passenger seat. The four boys are squeezed in with Shelley in the back seat.]

Stan: So, what's wrong with Grandpa, mom?

Sharon: [glances up at rear-view mirror] Your grandfather had a heart attack suddenly and needed to be hospitalized.

Stan: Oh.

Randy: [turns in his seat and looks at the kids] Now, Stan, uh, are you gonna be okay with all this?

Stan: I'll be fine, dude.

Randy: Cause you don't have to be afraid to show your true feelings. Just because your friends will be with you and you'll be in a public hospital, don't be afraid to cry if you have to. Because hospitals are very stressful and emotionally draining environments, do you understand, son?

[The others look at him. Stan tries not to look embarrassed.]

Stan: [playing casual] K.

[Hospital, hours later. The four boys are sitting on cushioned chairs in the waiting room, looking restless.]

Cartman: Goddamnit, it's been nine fucking hours since we arrived! [starts to walk away.] I'm going for a fucking stroll.

Stan: Dude, we have to wait for news about Grandpa!

 pan>

Kenny: (Yeah!)

Cartman: You know what? Screw your grandpa. Screw him. I'm going to wander around. You guys coming with me?p>

Stan: Hell no!

Cartman: Aw, what'sa matter? Stan turning into a little wussy? [mimicking Randy's voice] "Don't be scared of the hospital, son."

Stan: Go to hell, fatass!

Cartman: AY! I'm not fat. I'm roundly formed!

Kyle: Yeah, roundly formed in the shape of a beach whale.

Kenny: (Cartman's such a fat ass, that when he sits on his couch, the other end of it sends whoever else is sitting on it crashing into the ceiling.)

[Everyone laughs but Cartman.]

Cartman: You know what? Screw you guys! I'm going for a stroll!

[He walks off. Stan looks at the others.]

Stan: Come on. Let's go with him. [They do so.]

[Hospital, psychiatric wing, later. The four boys are walking down the white walled hallway.]

Cartman: What the hell is this place?! The morgue?!

[The boys jump as a maniacally driven patient flings himself at his door.]

Kyle: Definitely not a morgue.

Stan: Nope. Can we go now, Cartman? This place gives me the creeps.

Cartman: You guys are such pussies. [notices something] Well, what do we have hyah?

[Close up. The sign next to a door reads Tenorman, Scott.]

Stan: No way, dude. It can't be.

[The boys stand on their tiptoes and peer through the glass paneling on the door.]

Kenny: (Yep. It's him all right.)

[Close on Scott Tenorman, in a strait jacket, staring at nothing. He is completely fruity.]

Scott Tenorman: [singing] I'm a creepy, I'm a weirdo, what am I doing here?

[Cut back to four boys.]

Cartman: [happy, laughing] Oh, dude, that is the most kickass thing I have ever seen! Scott's a psycho! Scott's a psycho!

Stan: Yeah, I always wondered what had happened to him.

Kyle: Well, you shouldn't be surprised, Cartman! You got both of his parents killed and humiliated him badly in front of his favorite band!!!

Cartman: [Doesn't Care] The asshole it it coming.

Kenny: (Let's get the hell outta here. I don't like this place!)

Cartman: Pussies.

[They head back to the waiting room. Scott continues singing in his cell.]

To Be Continued.

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COMING SOON: Part 2.