Movie Parodies: South Park Style

Immortal Kombat: The Movie

DISCLAIMER: MK characters... NOT MINE. SP characters... NOT MINE EITHER.

WARNING: Violence, language, weirdness. Do not read beyond this point, unless you have a profound interest in losing your marbles and run out of your house into the street where you'll get whacked by a garbage truck. If you read it anyway, well, it's your ass. I warned you.

SOUTH PARK CAST

Stan Marsh
Kyle Broflovski
Eric Cartman
Kenny McCormick

MK CAST

Liu Kang
Johnny Cage
Sonya Blade
Princess Kitana
Lord Rayden, thunder douche... I mean, god.
Shang TSung
Goro
Sub-Zero
Scorpion (my fave MK character!)
Reptile

(Scene: Some island decorated with fighting arenas and flags honoring cool looking black dragon symbols. A bunch of people in a group of boats pull ashore. Suddenly a shimmering of blue light appears on the beach, crackling with electricity, and when it's gone, there stands the 4 main SP kids. They look around in confusion, then at each other.)

KYLE: Whoa, dude. How the hell did we get here? And where the hell are we?

KENNY: Mph mmphhh mphmmhp mppphhmmm. (I dunno. Loks like an island.)

CARTMAN: Well, der, it's a island, you poor fuck!

(Kenny gets a pissed expression and punches Cartman in the face.)

CARTMAN: Ow!

KYLE: I don't know how we got here. Last thing I remember, we were at my house watching Terrence and Phillip and then suddenly this blue ball came in and swooped us up.

STAN: Whoa, what's going on over there? (points. The others look in the direction he's pointing.)

KYLE: Whoa, dude!

(The boats finally reach shore, and a large assortment of people from all races and cultures get out. Among them are LIU KANG, an asian warrior with a face that suggests he had too many enchiladas before arriving, JOHNNY CAGE, a douche-bag Hollywood actor, and SONYA BLADE, a hottie blonde government agent.)

KENNY: (sees how large Sonya's, uh, supplies are) WOOHOO!

(As soon as the boats stop, Liu Kang jumps out and runs across the beach frantically.)

LIU KANG: Gotta find a bathroom... there's gotta be a bathroom...

(Later. Some dining area. Everyone is there chatting and eating, the 4 boys keeping to themselves.)

KYLE: Dude, this place sucks! Where's the TV? I wanna watch Terrence & Phillip!

(Suddenly, SUB-ZERO, a blue-robed ninja, fights a hooded guard. The guard rushes in for the attack when suddenly this cool looking blue air appears around Subbie's hand, and the ninja shoots out a ice blast that freezes the guard and kills him instantly.)

KYLE: Whoa dude!

(Later. Liu Kang, Johnny Cage, and Sonya are walking around, not knowing that the four boys are following them, when a flash of lightning flashes into the room, and when it's gone, LORD RAYDEN is revealed.)

CARTMAN: Sweet special effects!!

RAYDEN: (staring at the boys) Hello. I am here to speak with you. The moderators of this tournament are hell bent on destroying the earth. Without you all, all of humanity will perish. I brought you here with my powers to fight.

STAN: Oh, crap, dude!

JOHNNY CAGE: Well, then it's up to us, then!

(Rayden looks at Cage, Sonya, and Liu Kang.)

RAYDEN: (to Liu, Johnny, and Sonya) Who the hell are you people?

(Forest. Cartman is pissing behind a tree when a demonic spear suddenly buries itself in the bark, narrowly missing his head.)

CARTMAN: Holy crap! (stops pissing and quickly zips up as he spins around, spotting SCORPION, a yellow-garbed ninja similar in appearence to Sub-Zero but otherwise completely different.) Who da hell are you?!

(Scorpion responds by shooting another spear at him. Cartman starts to get pissed.)

CARTMAN: That's it! I'm gonna kick yer ass! (snaps small stick off of tree and, gathering his strength, flings it. The stick hits home, and Scorpion doubles over, eyes widened, holding onto his crotch area, as he bellows a muffled scream behind his yellow mask, and then hits the ground, unconscious.)

CARTMAN: Heh heh. Heh heh.

(A fighting arena. Stan finds himself under attack by Sub-Zero when KITANA, a sexy brunette, appears and looks at him.)

KITANA: (even though her mouth doesn't move) To beat him, use the element which brings life.

STAN: (picks up filled water bucket to get a drink.) Huh?! (A snake pops out of the bucket hissing at him.) AAAHHHH!!!! SNAKE!!! (flings the bucket in his panic and it nails Sub-Zero just as the ninja shoots his ice blast, killing him.)

(Fighting ring. Scenes fly by of the four boys kicking the asses of all of their opponents while accompanied by cheesy fighting music and sound effects. Suddenly, a huge four-armed ugly scaly scary thing, GORO, appears and roars loudly, blowing the hats off of the boys' heads.)

KEENY: (muffled, startled) WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!

(SHANG TSUNG, an evil sorcerer and the master of the tournament, appears behind him.)

Tsung: That's Goro, stupid!

(Goro grabs Kenny, who is screaming, lifts him over his head with two arms, and easily snaps him in half with one yank. The two bloody halves drop to the ground.)

STAN: Oh my god! Goro killed Kenny!

KYLE: You bastard!

(Cartman steps forward.)

CARTMAN: I'll take care of this prick.

(Cartman runs up to Goro, who is on standing on a cliff's edge, and kicks him in the nuts. Goro screams in pain, holding himself. Unfortunately, the movement knocks him off the cliff, and the huge gargantuan dies.)

TSUNG: That's it! I'm gonna take one of your little friends and I will fight and kill them, thus opening the portals to my hellish world! My warrios will then come forth, and lay waste to all of this puny planet's beauty in a fiery blaze of beauitful death and annihilation!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

KYLE: (blinks) K.

CARTMAN: Help me yah guhs!

STAN: Do we have to?

RAYDEN: You must. Or this world will suffer.

JOHNNY: All right, then. (looks at his companions. They look back at him like he's nuts.) Let's go kick some sorcerer ass!

RAYDEN: (glancing at the three) All right, look. Whoever the hell you all are, just go sit on the beach and twiddle your thumbs until it's over, okay?

(All three walk off to do what he says.)

STAN: Let's go, Kyle. We gotta save the world. Even if it means we have to save the fatass.

(REPTILE, a small reptillian creature capable of taking human form of a green ninja similar to Scorpion and Sub-Zero, attacks in his own natural form.)

KYLE: (bored) Not now. (slams his foot down on Reptile.)

(Tsung's palace. Cartman is chained and shackled to the wall. The evil sorcerer is gloating.)

TSUNG: Ha! The world is mine, cause there is no way a fatass like you can ever beat me!

CARTMAN: AY!

(Stan and Kyle rush in. Kyle works on freeing Cartman while Stan runs over to the sorcerer.)

STAN: I'm gonna kill you, sorcerer!

TSUNG: Why, cause I am planning to destroy this world and also because I killed your sister Shelley?

STAN: Yeah, and after all, I have to save the world.... (pauses, looks at TSung, surprised) Shelley's dead? (another pause) Oh, well. No biggie.

(They fight. Stan throws rocks at TSung's forehead and he falls off the platform, getting impaled on the spikes.)

STAN: Sweet! I killed someone!

(TSung turns into a rotted skeleton.)

STAN: Dude! Cool! (There's a flash of blue and he diappears.)

(Stan's living room. The blue ball of light fades out, and when it does, all the boys (without Kenny) are back on the couch in Stan's living room, staring at Terrence and Phillip on the TV.)

STAN: Whoa, dude. Did we just imagine all that?

KYLE: (sees something on his leg) What's this? (picks it up and all three look at it closely)

(CLOSE UP. It's a sutographed pic of Johnny Cage, similar to the one in his MK TRILOGY Friendship.)

CARTMAN: Ugh, Cage sucked ass, dude.

STAN: Yeah.

NEXT: Texas Chainsaw Massacre.