No Particular Reference

Chapter Warnings: Angst, Dark Themes

Chapter Rating: T

Lyrics Accredited by: "Hurt" Johnny Cash, "God's Gonna Cut You Down" Johnny Cash, "Just a Thought" Gnarles Barkley.

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~*~ I hurt myself today

To see if I still feel.

I focus on the pain,

The only thing that's real. ~*~

Numb. It was truthfully the most fantastic sensation he had felt in vorns. Numb, though not completely, but it was better than what he felt on a daily basis. No humiliation. No suffocating anger. No seething hatred…. The pain was still there though, too strong to completely blot out, but it was dulled, smothered under his falsehood of numbness. But it was that same pain, the same agony that let him know he still functioned, still served some purpose. It was one of the reasons he took the laser scalpel to his circuits and Energon lines buried beneath his dermal plating; it was his only reason. He just had to make sure he still functioned; it was his reassurance.

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~*~ Well you may throw your rock and hide your hand

Workin' in the dark against your fellow man

But as sure as God made black and white

What's done in the dark will be brought to the light ~*~

Starscream growled low in his vocalizer, his sharp crimson optics narrowing as seething hatred and anger coursed through his frame. Anger and hatred for his oh so mighty and completely incompetent leader who led him straight into this lovely predicament, for the pathetic, whiny Autobots who had the audacity to chain him to the berth in his tiny-claustrophobic-inducing cell.... But most of his anger and hatred was aimed at himself. If he had only listened to his instinct and redirected the final attack…. Agh! He would not be here, would not be held in some high-risk security hold on Cybertron, knowing, oh that was the worst…. Knowing that his weak-minded enemies had won the war; knowing that at any moment they would come for him, force him to stand trial for his crimes….. A shudder of suppressed fear shook Starscream's frame. Everything would come out in the open, everything. He knew nothing would be spared, not the slightest of detail will be parted with. Surely they would sentence him to death… The Stockades were too kind for him. Oh how that was the worst part of knowing….

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~*~ And I've tried

Everything but suicide

But it's crossed my mind ~*~

"I've tried," Starscream's voice barely above that of a gently whisper, his optics dulled to scarlet, his beaten and broken frame leaning heavily against the mountainous boulder, "I've tried."

"You've tried what, Starscream?" the deep rumble from the larger mech in front of him enticed the defeated seeker to look up, his dulled scarlet mingling with a shocking electric blue.

"I- I don't," he paused, his raspy voice glitching in effort to continue, "I tried… honestly. I countered it… for-forced it from my pr-pro-processer…. Smothered it with anger, with ha-hatred… But it kept coming back."

"What did?" Electric blue optics peered critically, indecisively at the damaged seeker and for a moment it had seemed if Starscream had fallen into stasis, but after a moment, another whisper met strained audios.

"I tried everything Prime," Starscream paused again as his intakes shuddered under strain, his non-vital processors and circuits beginning to off-line one by one. With failing strength Starscream continued, "Everything…. But suicide…."

Optimus dropped to kneel before his fallen enemy, a flash of sympathy crossing those electric blue optics, his large hand coming to rest on the downed seeker's shoulder. Starscream initially flinched away from the contact but, with no strength to shrug away the hand, he let it rest were it lay.

"Whatever may be ailing you, Starscream, you will overcome it. You are a strong mech…" Optimus was silenced by a shake of Starscream's head.

"No… Yo-you've no idea….. how many times it's…. crossed… my… mi-mind."

Low on Energon and in such a critical condition, Starscream allowed himself to succumb to stasis lock.

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