Movie Parodies: South Park Style

Fatal Desperation

CAST

Stan Marsh
Wendy Testaburger
Eric Cartman
Miss Choksondick
Kenny McCormick
Kyle Broflovski
Bebe Stevens
Chef
Cameo appearance by
Those FBI guys from the “Starvin’ Marvin in Space” episode.

WARNING: The stupidity in this chapter will cause you to go insane, and anyone who reads this will very possibly end up needing a nice padded room with a drool cup and fluffy little bunnies. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK !!!

(Scene: Airplane. All the students are in their seats, awaiting a trip to Denver. Stan is very nervous. He’s terribly afraid of planes.)

Stan: Goddamn, I’m afraid of planes.

Cartman: (making out with Bebe) Shut up, asshole!

Stan: Up yours, Cartman!

(Suddenly, he has a vision of the plane exploding. Stan recovers and panics when he finds the minor details of the explosion coming true.)

Stan: HOLY SHIT THE PLANE’S GONNA EXPLODE!! I’M GETTING OUTTA HERE!! (Tries to get into the aisle, but Kyle, on his way to his own seat, accidentally collides with Stan. The two collapse to the floor of the plane among Kyle’s hundred bags and boxes of luggage, Stan screaming terrified cries about explosions.) WE’VE GOTTA GET OFF THIS FUCKING PLANE!!

Cartman: (making out with Bebe) Dude, you are really reaching right now.

(Scene: Airport. Stam, Kyle, Kenny, Wendy, Cartman, Bebe, and their teacher, the lazy-eyed Miss Choksondick, are booted off the plane.)

Cartman: (making out with Bebe, angrily yelling at Stan) Thanks to you, we don’t get to go to Denver!! I’m gonna kick your ass!!!

(Suddenly, the plane explodes, just the way that it did in Stan’s vision. Everyone is stunned for a few seconthenthen…)

Cartman: Well, I’ll be damned!

(Scene: Kenny’s house, a few weeks later. It’s a media circus, with paramedics, cops, reporters, curious onlookers, It’ It’s also a media circus in that mimes and clowns perform randomly in the crowd of onlookers. The paramedics drag out Kenny’s corpse in a body bag and load it into the ambulance.)

Stan: (standing there, watching) Oh my god! They killed Kenny!

Kyle: (also there) You bastards! (To paramedic) What happened?

Paramedic: He killed himself. Self-inflicted Bathtub strangulation with clothes line.

Stan: Hmmm…

(Morgue. Stan and Wendy are looking down at Kenny’s corpse. Chef enters.)

Stan: Chef, how did this happen?

Chef: Death’s design, children. When you all got off the plane, you violated fate. You were meant to die on the plane, but since you didn’t, it’s coming for you all now. You have to figure out how to beat it again, or you’re all fucked.

Stan: Dude, this is fucked up right here.

(Street. All the survivors of the plane disaster are there. Cartman pulls up in his car, making out with Bebe, and corners Stan.)

Cartman: (making out with Bebe.) I’m gonna kick your ass even though you saved me from dying in that plane crash since I’m a officious prick!!!

Kyle: Let’s not forget fatass, too.

Cartman: (making out with Bebe) AY!

Bebe: (getting angry) Stop it, all of you! I’ve had enough of this shit! They are dead! We’re not! (steps into street blindly) Deal with it! (gets run over by bus, her blood and guts flying all over everyone.)

Stan: Oh, fuck!

Wendy: Oh, my god!

Cartman: (not making out with Bebe, cause she’s dead.) Goddamnit! Now I’ll never get good, easy pussy again!

(Miss Choksondick’s house. The teacher dies in a fire. Stan gets there in time to see her die.)

Stan: Oh, well, no one liked her, anyways. (walks away, whistling.)

(Train tracks. Stan, Kyle, Wendy, and Cartman are in Cartman’s car. The fatass is trying to kill himself to be with Bebe, so they can make out again. veryone else gets out of the car mere seconds before a train comes. Stan pulls Cartman out of the vehicle just in time.)

Cartman: Goddamnit, Stan! Could you have cut it ANY closer?!

(Suddenly, a shrapnel from the now demolished car flies towards Kyle, decapitating him.)

Stan: Nooooooooo!

Wendy: Does anyone have $5 so I can get a pack of smokes? If I’m gonna die, I wanna die happy.

(Wendy’s House, later. The girl is terrified cause Death is after her now. She’s trapped in her car, with an electric cord trying to get to her. Stan ars,ars, and sacrifices himself.)

Wendy: Stan! Nooooo!

(The FBI guys show up.)

FBI Guy 1: Is he gonna live?

Wendy: I hope so!

FBI Guy 2: Then our job is done. (They leave.)

Wendy: (staring for a few seconds) Huh?

Stan: My thoughts exactly.

Wendy: Stan? You’re alive?! (hugs him happily)

Stan: Owwww my ribs!!!

Next: House Of 1000 Corpses.