No Particular Reference

LeavesofMyself: This is a chapter filled with drabbles inspired by corresponding lyrics. I hope you enjoy. The songs are listed in order of appearance and belong to their respectful owner.

Lyrics accredited to: "Heavily Broken" Ther Veronicas, "Going Down Under (Creeping in My Soul)" Christina Lorentzen, "Drown You Out" Crossfade, "Useless" Imogen Heap, "Dirty" Everlast.

Chapter Warnings: Angst, Dark Themes

Chapter Rating: T

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~*~ Feels like I'm drowning

I'm screaming for air (screaming for air)

Louder I'm crying

And you don't even care ~*~

It was often like this…. He, the cast away of the group, the unwanted tang along; the third wheel. He never asked to be the way he was, for no mech wants to be so completely forgotten. That's what bothered him. Being so invisible. What hurt worse was that no one cared, no one noticed…. No one even tried. It was like he stood in the middle of the rec. room during one of Jazz's famous parties and just screamed, screamed until his vocalizer short circuited, screamed until his audios rang….. Screamed until he became one with his name…. but no one looked up. No one ever bothered. Not even HIM. He didn't even care. HE, who used to smile his way with awe fascination, with aching passion, with collected calmness, but never again. He didn't see that he was drowning in his own abyss….

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~*~ Creeping in my soul

It's getting out of control

I've gotta find my escape

And get out of this black hole ~*~

He felt like he was trapped; walls built so high not even the Dinobots could scale them. He was caged. Trapped by his own demons, by his own actions; by the very darkness that crept into his spark and ate it alive, leaving nothing but a hollow chassis behind. He built these walls up and dug the hole under his own pedes. He created his abyss and just as he created it, he wanted to destroy it. But he hadn't the strength. He wanted to be untouched; unburdened once more. But he couldn't break his chains. He wanted to touch the sky unhindered. But he couldn't fly on broken wings.

Skyfire had told him, when he had no hope left, to just reach up. He was all out of hope, so in his cage, a servo slowly lifted into the air, the thick, constricting chains rattling with the movement….. But no one was there. There was no escape from his blackened abyss….

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~*~ Now you can't hold me down anymore

I'll scream so loud, I'll scream so loud

Till I drown you out ~*~

They watched as he buckled, a deafening scream tearing through his vocal processor. His sharpened claws dug at his armor, ripping, slashing, mutilating himself. His life poured through severed Energon lines, pooling beneath his frame. He watched through static-filled optics as their medic drew closer, his frame taunt with apprehension. He wanted to laugh at them, want tell them it was a waste of effort. But all that left his vocal processor were agonized screams. He shuttered his optics…. He had to drown them out. Had to overpower them. So he screamed until he could not. He needed them to shut up. To leave him alone. He wanted blissful silence. He was granted with thickening white noise…. And the ever present whispered words that only he seemed to hear.

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~*~ I am a mirror, with no reflection

I am a razor, without my blade ~*~

Useless. So utterly useless. I have no place here. My existence goes unnoticed, cycle by cycle. They don't need me here. Not in the labs. Not in the sky. Nowhere. I have become so expendable, so pathetically useless. They don't want me around. Not a traitor. They're so afraid of what I may do.

I don't like being useless….

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~*~ And I'm so nasty

And I'm so greedy

And I'm so lonesome

Girl, I'm so needy ~*~

He knew what they said about him. What they called him. The Decepticon whore seemed most favorable. But there were others. Most of the names were more degrading, more humiliating. But they pushed him to do this. They forced him to become so useless… So he had to do something. Anything. He couldn't be useless. He loathed being useless… To be useless meant that he was nothing; he didn't want to become an absolute nothing…. He couldn't be 'nothing'. He feared it too much. So, he purposely degraded himself…. Purposely interfaced with more mechs than he cared to all in the name to be something…. Anything. So he was the whore. The one they took and took from with no regard as to how filthy it made him feel afterwards. But he took it in stride. He just hated being useless…. Being nothing.

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