Movie Parodies: South Park Style

The Frog

Cast
Eric Cartman
Wendy Testaburger
Kenny McCormick
Clyde
Token Williams
Butters
Bebe Stevens
Cameos by Stan Marsh
And Kyle Broflovski
And a special appearance by "Artemus" Clyde Frog.

WARNING: This chapter is short, stupid, and will annihilate most of your brain cells. Read at your own risk.

A/N: As many of you may know, when "The Crow" first came out, the actor in the movie, Brandon Lee, died tragically. Brandon Lee was a talented actor, and I loved his performance in the film. I am saying this here because some people have been giving me flack for this chapter and I wanted it to be understood that this is in no way meant to be disrespectful. But a parody is still a parody, and I like to deliver.

In Memory of Brandon Lee.

BEBE: (V.O.) When a person dies, it is said that a frog can hop onto the other side, carrying that dead person's soul with them. It is also said that whoever came up with this stupid idea must have been tripping on acid. But sometimes, just sometimes, the frog can hop back with the soul, to put the wrong things rig.. B.. But most of the time, it really gets fucked up.

(Some dark graveyard. The dirt in front of a tombstone marked "ERIC CARTMAN - BELOVED SON, DEVOTED FRIEND, AND TOWN'S BIGGEST FATASS - RIP" flies up as the "corpse" pulls himself out of it.)

CARTMAN: (spits dirt out of his mouth, looks disgusted) Aw, weak, dude! Who the hell pissed on my gravesite?!

(Insert shot shows Sparky the Gay Dog pissing on another nearby grave.)

CARTMAN: Okay, I know what I need to do Tho Those assholes Clyde, Token, Kenny, and Butters killed me and Wendy. I can remember almost like it was yesterday...

(Flashback. Cartman proposes to Wendy, and she accepts. Two seconds later, Clyde, Kenny, Token, and Butters, all toting guns, burst in, and kill them for no real reason. Cut back to the present. Cartman sees a frog sitting on his tombstone.)

CARTMAN: Clyde Frog brought me back. Now I must find them and make them pay! (Kitty runs up and meows) NO, KITTY! BAD DAMN KITTY!!!

(Scene. Some dark alley. Token is walking alone when Cartman jumps him, wearing the black face paint, and a long black leather jacket. Token takes one look and starts laughing his head off.)

TOKEN: Dude! You look fucking stupid!

CARTMAN: Ay!

TOKEN: What are you, a mime or something?

CARTMAN: (whispers) No, I am not a mime! (louder tone, more determined) Now it's time for you to pay! You killed me and my fiancé last year! Well, it's payback time!

TOKEN: Ok....

(Cartman stabs Token in the heart with a large knife. But it doesn't kill him. Token looks at him in pain.)

TOKEN: Ow, that hurt, asshole! What'd you do that for?!

(Cartman, surprised, doesn't know what else to do but stab Token again, this time in the eye.)

TOKEN: Okay, now this is just getting stupid.

CARTMAN: Die, you son of a bitch!

(A half-hour later, Cartman gives up trying to stab Token and, pulling a rocket launcher from the air, blows him into bloody scraps before leaving.)

TOKEN: (lying on the ground in pieces) Hey, aren't you at least gonna call me the paramedics?

(Later. Some Church Tower. It's dark and raining and Cartman is squaring off against Kenny, the crime boss.)

CARTMAN: Okay, I killed Clyde, Butters, and Token. You're next!

(Kenny takes a step back, slips on a puddle of wet pigeon crap, and falls off the roof to his death. Suddenly, Stan and Kenny appear out of nowhere.)

STAN: Oh my god! Cartman killed Kenny!

KYLE: You bastard!

CARTMAN: Now, I can go back to being dead and spend eternity with Wendy! (pauses) Damn it! Why didn't I just go to Florida instead of going on this pointless revenge mission? I could have hit it big with the hot honeys in Daytona!

(Suddenly, Wendy's angry spirit appears and drags Cartman back to the other side with her.)

WENDY: When we get back to heaven, or hell, or wherever, can you cut my toenails for me? Theygettgetting too long.

CARTMAN: Noooo.....

NEXT: Final Destination.