Spazzgirl Letters

Editor's Note: The following text was translated from ancient Iberian scripts, believed to be from about the 6th century B.C. While we have tried to be as true to the original source as possible, we have made some creative choices where the text becomes ambiguous or too faded to read.

Dear Stupid Rockmanship Test My Stupid Brother is Forcing Me to Take,

So there was this swirly thing in the sky and a big funny looking bird came out of it. It went far away and I wanted to see. My family hadn't left me alone for days even at night, and I was so frustrated so I went by myself. After many furlongs I didn't find the bird but there was a girl with white head and funny pink [skin] and a pink dress. She wanted to go to Udrogoth and said it was a [mission]. I wanted to know what and she wouldn't say and walked so I got mad.

So then I tried to stop her but she was really fast and knocked my spear away. I tried to hit her and she jumped around really fast but she didn't hit me, only pushed. Wimpy. I faked her out going for my spear and when she jumped in front of me I pulled one of her funny shoes off and she fell on her butt. I dragged her by her leg but she twisted free so I jumped on her and put her in a headlock. But then her [fake] skin came off and she was a regular girl with long flame hair like me. She pushed me away and I grabbed her other skin and it was really clothes and so I ripped them off.

The weird girl looked so shocked so I jumped her and we rolled around on the ground and I got her nice and dirty and sweaty. I put my arms under her arms and around her throat and had her on the ground. Growl! Then she just kissed me on my mouth. Eww! When I got back she rolled me over and pinned me down. She squeezed my leg between her [thighs] and kept kissing me again and again but it was less icky. She kissed and bit me all over my face and down my neck and then pushed into my smock and sucked my nipple. It felt so weird but good. She kissed my mouth again and put her tongue inside and we fought there too and it started to feel really nice and I got hot all over. She let go of my hands and started to feel my chest and squeeze me and pulled off my shoulder strap. I put my hands in her hair and she kept moving herself on my leg and kissed under my ear while she moaned and stuff. She sounded like Candy when I sneak into her room at night to [borrow] stuff.

The weird girl breathes really hard in my ear and falls on me and just lies there and I feel so weird and confused I cant move either. Then she starts to kiss me all over again and goes to my nipples and squeezes them too. She jumps up into a squat and pulls my smock all the way off and pushes my legs apart. Next thing she's kissing my girl place all over and over and though it's gross I felt so funny already and it just felt really exciting. I grabbed her head and pulled her harder and she bucked and twisted and licked me up inside and I felt like I was gonna explode. I couldn't see straight and couldn't breathe and my insides got so tingly and tight. Suddenly she stuck her finger in my butthole and it went in really easy at first, but then she started wiggling it and licking harder then I felt her tongue in my [vagina] flicking around and my guts started pounding and my butthole sucked on her finger and I couldn't stop panting. I dug my fingernails into her head and got really dizzy. She pulled her finger out but kept licking me even though I tried to push her away because it started feeling like little wand zaps.

She got on top of me and I couldn't move and though it was gross that she licked me all over my pussy and pee hole she kissed me and stuck her tongue in my mouth and I was too weak to stop her. And it felt good again and she sucked the wind out of my mouth while she pushed some fingers back inside my pussy again. I was so wet there even though she'd licked and sucked so much and it seemed weird, but now when I think about it I get really wet there by myself. It's kind of neat! Anyway I trembled as she slid them in and out and around, going really deep and I started to tingle again and she went faster and faster until I felt that weird feeling again and couldn't breath. She bit me on the shoulder and I clamped my thighs on her hand and started feeling my guts squeezing and bumping and everything went bright and I was just breathing hard and lying on a magic cloud.

It started to put me back down and I ached a bit and couldn't breathe so I laid there and she kissed me on the forehead and slipped my smock back on. She left towards Udrogoth while I took a little nap. When I woke up she was dragging Ned Frischman by his ear and seemed really mad. I got up and she just winked but I grabbed her and gave her a big hug. She shoved Ned down and we kissed again and Ned just watched and drooled and then she grabbed him again and dragged him off.

It must be contagious because now I drool too when I see a cute girl and sometimes I tell them to do stuff with me or they'll go to the dungeon. Sometimes I just put them in the dungeon and chain them down. And I found that kissing them in the crotch and using my fingers to make them all squirmy and sweaty is a lot of fun! Someday I'll do it to my big sister's friends too.

So Dave, if you never make me take a stupid test again I'll let you watch sometimes. Deal?

Spear-iously,

NOT A MONKEY!

(Fang [Dave the Barbarian] on Atomic Betty [Atomic Betty])