Eric Cartman Must Die

Eric Cartman Must Die, Act 4

WARNING: The usual. Violence, Profanity, etc. This chapter is humorous and kinda lame, but trust me, it'll get better. I promise.

DISCLAIMER: NOT mine. There.

[Stan's House, following morning. The young boy opens his front door to see Cartman standing on the porch, holding a shoebox. The fatass is shaking.]

Stan: What's wrong now, Cartman?

Cartman: [trying to look composed] What the hell do you think?! That asshole Scott Tenorman was at my house last night!

Stan: So?

Cartman: [pulls something out of the shoebox.] So look! [Shoves dead Kitty in Stan's face. Stan looks sickened.] Look what he did to my cat!

Stan: [disgusted] Dude! [Vomits] Get that the fuck out of my sight!

Cartman: [ignoring him] I'm telling ya, that douche is afta me!

[Kyle and Kenny walk up to Stan's porch. They look at Cartman.]

Kyle: What the hell's wrong with Cartman?

[Cartman answers by promptly shoving the dead feline in Kyle's hands. Kyle looks horrified and drops it.]

Kyle: CARTMAN! What the hell is wrong with you?! I don't want a dead cat!!!

Cartman: Ay, this is, WAS, my kitty, you buttrammer! That Tenorman douche killed her and then broke into my house last night! [starts to look panicked, but then forces the fear away for the sake of humiliation] I'm telling ya gahs he is out for my blood!

Kyle: Are you scared Cartman?

Cartman: HELL NO! I'm not afraid of that asshole?

Kyle: Then what's that? [he points at Cartman's pants where a dark stain is developing.]

Cartman: Shut up Jewboy!!

[Cartman's House, minutes later. All four boys walk up the front sidewalk, and then they gape at what they see. Cartman's front door is completely torn off its' hinges, and the word DIE is written next to the doorframe in red paint... or blood.]

Cartman: OH MY FUCKING GOD! My fucking house!!

[Police Station, later that same day. Cartman and the others are telling his story to Barbrady, who is facing in their direction in his chair, those dark shades on his face.]

Cartman:...so then I go to the window, and that son of a bitch throws my dead cat right at me! [no reaction from Barbrady] Hey, you listeningme?
me?

Barbrady: [snores]

Cartman: GODDAMNIT!! RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH! [grabs a item off of the desk and slams it across Barbrady's head, causing the policeman to wake up.] That Scott Tenorman douche wants me dead, goddamnit! Now go fucking do something!

Barbrady: Sounds like you've been watching too much SCREAM. There are no psycho killers in South Park. You kids just go on home. There's nothing to worry about.

Cartman: Goddamn hippie cop! [storms out followed by the others.]

Stan: Where are we going Cartman?

Cartman: To find that asshole and settle this once and fer all! [camera pulls up above Cartman as he looks up and starts screaming like Jennifer Love Hewitt in “I Know What You Did Last Summer”.] WHAT ARE YOU WAIITNG FOR?! WHY DO YOU WANT TO KILL ME HUH?! SHOW YOUSELF ASSFUCKER!!

Kyle: [To Stan] We're so gonna die, aren't we?

Stan: Yep, this is fucked up right here.

To Be Continued.