The Joys of Married Love
Trouble in paradise
“I’ve found our man.”
The words come over the band like a warm rain after a drought.
“You finds a divorce lawyer?” Skwsigaar nearly jumps at Charles, over the table.
“Yes”, says Charles slowly. “But… well, he doesn’t know who you are. And he has a very strong feeling of honour. This is why I trust he wouldn’t go to the press if he found out who he was dealing with. On the other hand, that’s the problem. He’s a bit… oldfashioned and weird in a very liberal way.”
“Whatever that’s supposed to mean”, mumbles Pickles.
They soon find out. Mr Tapwater is so old he can hardly see, and squints at them over a heavy wooden table. “So you got married drunk.”
“Yeah.”
“We dids.”
“But you are not in a relationship at all, is that what you’re saying?”
“No.”
“Never.”
“It should just be a matter of formalities.” Tapwater goes through the papers they brought him. “All you need to do is fill out one sheet, you sign, and that’s it. So.” He takes out the sheet and read out the questions. “First, did the marriage take place with the consent of both parties?”
“I don’t think it counts if both participants were drunk”, Charles says.
Tapwater nods and makes a mark. “Was there any abuse between the partners taking place, and if so, of what kind?”
“No.”
“No.”
“Small but important one: Was the marriage consummated?”
“No.”
“Yes.”
Skwisgaar looks at Toki, and then firmly says: “No.”
Toki keeps his eyes straight forward. He’s breathing quickly, and he is definitely not looking at Skwisgaar. “Yes.”
“He no speaks Anglish”, Skwisgaar quickly tells the judge, and turns back to Toki. “Consummateds mean sex. Fucking. Hanky-pankies”, he explains through his teeth.
Toki, looking at the judge and pressing his teeth together, nods. “Yes. We dids. Consummatids.”
“No we didn’t!” Skwisgaar shouts, baffled.
“Yes we dids consummatids. All nights.”
“He’s dirty liar!”
Toki keeps nodding. “We did. We did sex.”
“In that case”, says the judge and takes off his glasses, “I’m afraid I can’t just divorce you like this. You know, this isn’t customary, but I’ll become a pensioner in 9 days, and I don’t need to blow my own trumpet any more. I’m not going to divorce you if you actually were serious enough to have sex. You will have to find someone else for this sort of joke.”
They can hear Skwisgaar howl through three stories of Mordhaus, and then Charles’ voice as he drags them out, and a loud “Thud!” when Skwisgaar plants his knuckles on Toki’s jaw.