The Story of Dib and Zim

Note: I’ve decided to break with canon by making Zim the same age as Dib. Deal with it. Or do not. Whichever

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It was very difficult to avoid becoming angry when you were drowning in a sea of stupid.

Case in point: Gaz had been watching with increasing disgust for the past few months as her brother kept up his “Sole Defender of Earth” charade. It had been irritating before, but now it was just intolerable.

You would think that after Dib and Zim first consummated their…whatever it was they had, they would quit with the death robots and spy equipment and the epic battles for the fate of the human race and all that other nonsense that made Gaz’s head ache. You would be very wise for thinking so. You would also be wrong.

Gaz approached Dib, who at this very moment was sitting at the dinner table picking over blueprints for an invention that would lock onto Zim’s pak and prevent his spider legs from emerging. She stared at him a long moment, wondering vaguely if the ancient procedure of skull trepanation would be successful in releasing the hot air from inside his head. In the end she decided against the idea, as it might upset Dad.

“Have you slept with him?” was all she asked.

Dib did his best to pretend like he didn’t know what she was talking about. That lasted only a minute or so, while he sizzled under the heat of her glare. Finally he couldn’t take it anymore. “Only a couple of times,” he said, defensively.

Gaz considered counting to try to distill her anger, then decided there was no number high enough.

“Believe me, Dib,” she said, “nothing would make me happier than to watch you scamper headlong into agonizing doom. But this is too stupid even for you.”

“What? What’s the matter? It’s just sex. It’s not like I’ve proposed marriage or anything. I haven’t swayed from my duties as Sole Defender of Earth. Zim will be mine, oh yes he will, but it will be under my terms.”

“Please, Dib, for the sake of any honor this family might still possess, tell me that you’re joking.”

“Nope! I have it all planned out. A slow and nuanced strategy of attack and seduction, a psychological game of deadly strike and counterstrike, the likes of which a mere innocent like yourself could never even begin to imagine.”

“Wait. I know what this is all about. If you don’t keep stalking Zim, then you won’t have anything to do in your spare time, is that it?”

Dib looked stunned. “That’s ridiculous!”

Gaz didn’t even bother to make the obvious reply. She just turned silently, a little smirk on her face, and walked out of the room, leaving Dib alone to sputter in indignation.

It was a small victory for the cause of Reason, but Gaz would take anything she could get.