Zim against the world

Heh... know what? I wrote three pages. Three pages in a letter to my friend. Know what? My computer just deleted it.... I have ofifcally bitten through my lip and now I've got this nasty taste of blood in my mouth. I'm one of those people who gets really.... calm when their angry. I feel calm... and cold. Like ice. I'm starting to scare my parents. Already they are keeping away..... all of them.... away. No don't worry my faithful reviewers, I'm not going to comite suicide. Instead I am going to write......
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Zim woke up and he didn't want to move. He felt warmer and safer than he had felt in a long time. He finally opened his eyes and the usual blankets greeted him.... but something was amiss. He could tell that something wasn't right. He slowly sat up and realized what it was. The Dib wasn't there. His first feeling was confusion. Why wasn't the Dib there? He had to be there...... except he wasn't. Then logic took in and he realized that Dib had probably gone off somewhere to look at the technology some more. He felt the spot where Dib had been sleeping and frowned. It didn't have any trace of Dib's body heat. He must have gotten up awhile ago..... usually he would sleep in... at least later than this. Shrugging, Zim used Irken technology to get him some clothes, wearing black pants as usual since he liked the color on him, and a red shirt which contrasted with his green skin nicely. To finish it off, he had put the word 'Metalica" on the front of the shirt in black. A joke, knowing that Dib didn't like the band. Surely he would find it amusing. Satisfied, he went to find the Dib-human.

Finding him was a little harder than Zim thought it would be. He wasn't in the room that they had been in the day before. He finally had to go to his surveillance computers to find out where he was. He blinked in confusion at the screens. At the moment, he was examining some Irken weapons..... some rather cruel ones in fact. The one he had in his hand looked like a needle attacked to a small tube. It was an illegal item that took blood from an enemy and then created a sickness.... a virus to be used against it. Planets had died because of it's use and it was forbidden to be used again.... Zim had one of the last ones. But that wasn't what confused Zim the most. What really made him wonder, was the look on Dib's face. Something had changed about him since last night. There was a darker.... colder look in his eyes. And not that kind that made the pleasurable fire flare up in Zim either. This was the kind that the other humans had.... the ones that had attacked Zim..... this was different.

He bided his time, going to the room Dib was in. What was wrong with him? Was he sick? In truth.... Zim was afraid. Afraid of what he would find when he went into the room.... for the first time.... Zim was truly afraid of his enemy. Finally he could wait no longer and he opened the door to the room and walked in.

He didn't know what he was expecting... but this certainly wasn't it. As he walked in, Dib had given him one glance... and then gone back to examining the object in hand..... but the glance he had given him..... was frightening. All warmth and kindness was gone, replaced by a cold resentment towards Zim. A certain anger that flared up icily as he had looked at Zim and was still there even as he looked away. Why? Why was Dib acting this way? Dib! Who had spared his life, picked him up and put him back on his feet. Dib, who had sent shivers racing down his spine at the slightest touch. Dib, who had spent days talking with him, sleeping next to him, touching him with warm, agonizingly sweet touches. Why was the Dib now being so cold?

Zim ran a hand over his antenna, not sure how to break the heavy tension that choked the room like a thick blanket. Finally he gestured to his shirt, grinning weakly. "Hey, Metalica Dib-human." This was the cue for Dib to roll his head and shake his head and grin, finding a playful insult to shoot at him. Instead, Dib nodded. "Yes? So what? I already know the piece of technology that can do that." He looked up with such a fierce look in his eyes that Zim took a step back. "If you don't have something useful to say, then don't speak at all."

Zim's shock and hurt made way for anger. How dare the Dib say such things!! To a superior Irken Invader no less! He held his head high, his antenna twitching with anger. "How dare you even suppose that you can give me orders! I am an Irken Invader, Superior to you filthy-" He never got to finish his insult though, because Dib's hand closed around his throat, and he shoved him to the wall.

Zim's eyes widened and he struggled to pry the fingers from around his neck with no avail. This wasn't like the other time, he felt no bittersweet shivers running through him, nothing. Nothing but hurt and confusion. Why was Dib doing this? What had he done to make Dib act this way? Was this even Dib? He didn't even have to ask. Even with Dib's gold eyes piercing him like chips of amber, he knew it was Dib. He was the same, his raven black hair falling over his shoulders gracefully. Even as Zim's vision blackened at the edges from lack of air, he could see the familiar piece of hair that refused to be brushed ever. The same lips that his own had met. This was the same Dib-human. But why was he acting like this?

Just before he passed out, Dib threw him to the floor where he lay there for a second, just gasping for breath. Dib loomed over him, looking down at him with hatred in his eyes. Zim could only continue breathing, looking up at him with a questioning face. Although he couldn't speak because he was breathing too hard, it wasn't hard to see what he was asking.... a simple question..... why?

If Dib knew he was asking, he didn't show it. He just glared down at him. "I tell you want to do, " he hissed angrily, reaching down and pulling him up by the collar, which tightened and cut off his air once again as he was dragged to his feet. "because I own you! You are my specimen to do with as I choose. Nothing more!" He pushed him away roughly where he crashed into the wall and slid down, once again trying to breath as pain came from somewhere inside. If anything, he was even more confused. Why did it hurt so much when Dib told him what he had known all along? Was he angry because he was wrong? Because the Dib HADN'T been interested in him as anything but an object? Was it anger he was feeling? No... it was something else. Something he couldn't name. Then it hit him, the feeling. It was hurt. Only this time it was on the inside instead of on the outside. The pain that seemed to crush in his chest was much greater than that from his abused throat.

So Dib wasn't interested in him as anything other than a specimen to be studied. No different than the frogs that the teachers made them open up in class. Zim hadn't been able to do it and had run from the room when his frog was put down in front of him. The animal had no ears, and was green. It was also dead, with preservatives keeping it intact. He had felt a small amount of compassion for the poor beast, and now he felt it more than ever. He was someday going to end up just like that frog. Cut open, helpless, laying there so that someone could see and take out his insides.

Why?

Why was Dib acting this way. It was only yesterday that Zim had fallen asleep, wrapped in Dib's arms. Sure, he had struggled in his usual half-hearted way, but still.... why was Dib so angry? Had something happened? What was making him act like this? What had brought the warmth out of his golden eyes?

The tension in the room was almost unbearable. It was heavy, like a dark cloud, ready to rain down upon Zim...... and burn his flesh like it always did. He needed to find out what was wrong with the Dib, why he was acting in such a way. But at the same time.... his pride held him back. He didn't need to worry about the Dib's problems!! The Dib was the enemy, he was an inferior race, Zim hated the Dib....HATED him!!!

A human quote ran through Zim's head as he got to his feet, leaning on the wall for support. 'Love is the sweetest thing in the world. And right next to it is hate.' For a split second he pondered on it. Hate?......... Love? Then he brushed it away. Human nonsense. More reasons that Irkens were superior.

Zim walked over to Dib silently. Through his thoughts, he realized something. Dib was angry with him for some reason. What it was, he didn't know. They were playing a game in which Dib held all the important parts. But like in all human games, they both would follow the rules.

Dib had set the game up carefully in his subconscious. Even he didn't realize it. The rules were simple. Dib couldn't attack Zim for no reason. If he did that, Zim could ask him why he was angry, and he didn't want to admit that he was. He would follow that rule. But Zim had to swallow his pride and not step out of line. The penalty for breaking that rule, would be more pain, and a shorter temper on Dib's side...... but things were a little different in this game..... for one thing, Dib was ahead. If it was looked at like a board game, Dib's piece would be somewhere in front of Zim's piece. The end of the game happened when one of two things happened. First of all, Zim could catch up to Dib and they could work things out. If Dib managed to reach the end however..... The end was the point of no return. Dib was tense.... like a rubber band pulled tight.... and if he snapped, it would be all over for him and Zim. Things would never be able to go back to where they were before.

Zim had to catch Dib before he snapped.

The game had started badly. Zim had been careless and hadn't moved at all, while Dib had gotten angry and moved closer to the snapping point. Zim had to wait... bide his time for a while... not too long though or the tension might make Dib angry enough to roll.

After a minute of silence, letting Dib calm down, Zim knelt down beside him, rolling the dice. He hadn't gotten a high number, and if Dib rolled, it would have been for nothing.... but Dib didn't. He let Zim sit down without looking at him, silently accepting his presence. Dib had skipped his turn.

Dice went to Zim, but he had to wait until the right moment. Move too fast, get too cocky, and Dib might roll. He looked at the object in Dib's hand. The same virus maker he had been looking at before. Not a good thing to lighten the mood. He had to find something else to talk about. Finally he took a deep breath.
"Why do you always wear that jacket?"

The dice had been cast. Not a high number, but then again, he hadn't been aiming high. Slow and steady, he needed to get Dib's mind off of whatever was bothering him, and then get back to the topic when he had caught up a bit.
"I like it." Once again, Dib had skipped his turn, mellowing out a bit. But Zim was impatient. A dark feeling gnawed at his belly like some parasite. Guilt. He had found out about that feeling.... and now it was back for whatever it had done, even though it didn't know what it was yet. Zim nodded, biting his lip. Every moment he was fondling the dice was precious.

"Is there anything wrong Dib-human?" dice land, big number. A gamble. But one Zim had to take. Anymore of this and his pride would start leaking out from behind the bars it was being kept behind.

Dib picked up the dice, biding his time as well. He fiddled with the machine, running his finger along the needle before sighing and putting it down, and picking up a simple portable laser. He turned it on and put it on the lowest setting, carving small patterns into the wall. "No."
He had put down the dice.
Zim swallowed his pride, putting them back behind the bars and leaning towards him earnestly. "Yes there is..... please tell me Dib-human.... is it something I did?"

Chancy roll. Zim was balancing his luck. Dib glared at him, picking up the dice and rolling high, moving towards the snapping point. He was almost there already, after all, the board wasn't very big. "If you don't know the answer to that Zim, then your stupider than I thought." Zim would have to be very careful....

"Dib-human...." Suddenly it didn't matter. Zim had quit the game. Darkness was eating him from the inside out and the only one that could stop it was the one that had caused it. The bars to his pride disappeared, but it didn't matter because they were blocked out by other feelings that swirled in his chest and mind confusingly. He grabbed Dib's sleeve and looked up at him pleadingly. "Dib-human, tell me what I have done!" There he was, ordering again, he was sure that if he hadn't knocked over the board, Dib would have picked up the dice. But he had, and he couldn't remember where he had been.

Dib looked at him, surprised. He hadn't expected Zim to end the game. There was supposed to be a winner. But Zim was looking up at him, near tears. He sighed and looked away. "You hate me Zim, why should I feel differently from you? You wont accept my kindness, why should you continue to expect it?"

Zim blinked. The caresses, the touches, the feelings..... Dib had been giving them so freely.... he had taken them for granted. He had been rusing them, only because he knew that Dib would insist on giving them. But there was an end to Dib's patience. An end that had finally come. He hadn't run out of kindness... he just wouldn't give it anymore. The door was closed and Zim needed to open it.... he needed to.... he needed the Dib's kindness... his touch. He needed him. But how could he open the door? Undo what he had done?

The board was knocked over, the door was closed, and he was with Dib. There were no tools he could use... he could only ask for another chance.... he opened his mouth to ask....

But at that moment, pride reared it's ugly head and he closed his mouth again. He couldn't ask that of a inferior being, no matter how much he needed him. His mouth closed, words were lost to him. There was only one thing he could do.

Leaning foreword, he closed his eyes and pressed his lips against the Dib's. l

At first there was nothing, an inner battle taking place within the Dib. Would he be forgiven? Oh please let him be forgiven! Another chance.... Slowly Dib kissed back, finally wrapping his arms around Zim and taking him into his warm embrace, his cold gaze melting an instant before he shut his own eyes. Darkness evaporated from within Zim's chest like dew evaporating in the morning sun. Pride had done it's job so it contented itself in slinking back. Guilt stayed longer than all the rest, but was lifted at the end, knowing that Dib forgave him. Not all feelings left though, but the ones that stayed were good, sending happiness through him. The feeling that had left were replaced with familiar feelings..... ones that he hated......... and loved. The tingles running through him, the shivers that raced down his spine, the way his senses whirled at Dib's soft touch. The way he shivered as his thoughts tried to drift somewhere they shouldn't be.

They parted all to soon, but what had to be said, was said. Zim lay an extra moment in Dib's arms, but as he pulled away, so that they could go on with life he heard Dib mutter under his breath, just loud enough so Zim could hear. "I win."

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Now you see what depression does to me. Hope you enjoyed the chapter. ^^