Movie Parodies: South Park Style

CARTMAN’S JOYRIDE

A/N: This is written in script format. Just so you know.

CAST

Eric Cartman
Stan Marsh
Wendy Testaburger
Bebe Stevens
Mr. Garrison
Chef
SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY
Kyle as the Roommate

(SCENE: Some dorm room. It’s 3 am, and Stan is talking to Wendy on the phone, thus driving his roommate bonkers from lack of sleep.)

KYLE: Dude, could you hang up already? I’ve got finals this afternoon!

STAN: (into phone) Hang on a sec. (tosses headphones at Kyle.) Knock yourself out.

KYLE: (puts headphones on) Aww, weak, dude! There’s a Christina Aguilera CD in here!

STAN: There is? Whoops. (Takes headphones back quickly.)

KYLE: (suspicious) Why the hell do you have a Aguilera CD anyway?

STAN: Uh… the guy at the… uh… music store gave me the wrong CD. Yeah, that’s it. (laughs non-convincingly) I ordered a AudioSlave CD. The… uh, stupid bastard. Hahaha.

KYLE: (doesn’t buy it) Uh-huh.

WENDY: (On phone) So, can you pick me up?

STAN: Sure.

(Car Lot. Stan buys a car and drives off.)

STAN: Huh. That was easy.

(Some prison. Stan is waiting as Cartman, escorted by guards, is released.)

STAN: Nice to see you, brother. Mom was getting worried about you.

CARTMAN: (looks at Stan) Brother?! Dude, you are seriously reaching right now. Did Wendy spike your punch again?
STAN: No.

CARTMAN: Ah, to hell with it. Let’s just go.

(Stan’s Car, desert. Stan is driving while Cartman is doing something to the dashboard.)

STAN: Cartman, what the hell are you doing?

CARTMAN: What does it look like I’m doing, asshole?! I’m putting in the CB!

STAN: (frowns) Where the hell did you get the CB?

CARTMAN: (nervous) Uh… I bought it at a yard sale shortly before my arrest. Let’s see who’s on here. Sweet, I’ve got an idea. (throws his voice to sound like a chick) Hey, any sexy truck drivers out there? This is porky.

(A deep man’s voice, sounding like Chef, comes on the CB.)

CHEF: (surprised) Porky?

CARTMAN: (realizes what he said and catches himself, still in girl voice) Uh, I mean, I’m sweet lollipop. Anybody out there looking to score with a hottie?

CHEF: I am, sweet thing.

CARTMAN: (girl’s voice) Meet me at a hotel. The, uh, (sees hotel approaching.) Holiday Inn. Room 19 in Denver. Midnight.

CHEF. Damn, baby. I’ll be there.

CARTMAN: (laughing hysterically, clicks off CB) Dude, this is so awesome! He’s gonna show up, and find some other dumbass in our place while we’re listening next door!

(Holiday Inn, front desk. Cartman waits to check in. In line before him is Mr. Garrison.)

GARRISON: (yelling at Hotel Clerk)… and Mr. Hat wants some free porn. Do you get me?! Not the straight laced porn, but something surprising, like gay porn or whatever! And don’t screw it up! If you do, I’ll tell your manager about you, and your ass will be on the sidewalk before you fucking know it! I am the customer, and you’re just the lameass who has to wait on me! Got that? GOOD! (glares at Cartman) What are YOU looking at?! (storms out)

CARTMAN: Gon.
n.

(Hotel Room, room 21. Cartman and Stan are listening through the wall, snickering, as someone knocks on the door of room 19.)

MALE VOICE: (muffled) Who the fuck is it?

CHEF: Hey, it’s me. Is Lollipop there?

MALE VOICE: (muffled) Ooh, you want Lollipop, huh? (there’s sounds of a scuffle, and then suddenly Chef starts screaming his lungs out, followed by the sound of heavy running down the hall, accompanied by Chef screaming “Get away from me, Garrison!)

(Desert Road, next morning. Stan and Cartman are on their way to pick up Wendy when a green car smashes into them, trying to drive them into a tree. Both boys are screaming, naturally, and Cartman has a wet spot in his pants.)

CARTMAN: What the fuck do you want?!

(The driver of the green car gets out. It’s CHE
C
CHEF: Thanks to you, I got sodomized in the ass! Now it’s time for you to pay!! (gets back in the car and continues to crush them against the tree… that is, until the sides of the vehicle can cave in no longer due to Cartman’s fatass.)

CARTMAN/STAN: (sobbing) We’re sorry! Don’t kill us, please!

CHEF: (pauses) Okay. (pulls his car away and drives off.)

STAN: Whew. (looks at Cartman) Hahaha, you pissed yourself!

CARTMAN: Goddamnit.

(Another Hotel, later. Wendy is with them, and they sit around havininksinks in Stan and Cartman’s shared room. Suddenly, Chef bursts in.)

STAN: Shit! Run!

(They run into a nearby cornfield to escape.)

CARTMAN: Holy crap! We’re not safe anywhere! It’s the Children Of The Corn!

(Several creepy kids, all holding various weapons, stare at them.)

KID 1: Unbelievers! After them!

(Stan, Cartman, and Wendy forget about Chef and focus on running the these murderous children. Wendy gets nabbed, and is taken to the Children’s leader, He Who Walks Behind The Rows, tying her to a crucifix. Next to her is a traumatized Bebe. Stan and Cartman realize that Wendy is gone, and go to her rescue.)

STAN: All right, assmunches, time to die! (whips a shotgun out of his pocket and shoots all the children.)

CARTMAN: Why the hell didn’t you just use that sooner?

(He Who Walks Behind The Rows appears. It’s CHEF.)

CARTMAN: What the hell?

CHEF: (evilly) Hello, Children. (moves to kill them when, from out of nowhere, a semi truck lands on Chef, crushing him.)

WENDY: Hooray! (Stan cuts her and Bebe down, and they kiss. Stan and Wendy, that is.)

CARTMAN: You know what? I’ve learned something today. Never mess with truckers cause they can be some real crazy motherfuckers. (tosses CB radio away. Stan, Wendy, and Bebe laugh.)

NEXT TIME: American Pie.