The Diary of Lincoln Loud

June 29 – I cried myself to sleep and woke at three in the morning. The room was dark and silent. I don’t know if it was just me, but the air was too warm, too stale.

Sighing, I tried to remember the dream I was having. I know it involved Luan, but I can’t remember details. I know it was similar to the one I had the other night. She came in, we talked, and everything was normal, like it had been.

I don’t know how long I laid there, sick with sorrow, before I got up. It could have been twenty minutes or three hours. I eased open my door and scanned the hall. It was empty. The only sounds were snoring.

Tiptoing, I went to Luna’s door and opened it just a crack.

“Luna?” I whispered.

She didn’t reply.

I swallowed, opened the door far enough to pass through, and went in.

Most of Luan’s things were still in the room. Lori was supposed to strip her bed and wash her linens, but hadn’t gotten around to it. Moving as silently as I could, I slipped into Luan’s bed and drew my knees to my chest. The bed still smelled like her. One of her hairs rested on the pillow. I took it between my thumb and index finger and looked at it. This is all I have of my sister. A hair. A hair that doesn’t even belong to her. It belongs to a monster.

I let it go and buried my face in the pillow. She can’t be a monster. She’s just sick, that’s all. It happens. She didn’t mean any of those things she did. She wasn’t in her right mind.

Deep down, I know that isn’t true. She is who she is and there’s no changing that. But maybe, just maybe...

I didn’t mean to fall asleep, but I did, and woke to Luna shaking me gently awake. “Hey, bro,” she smiled, “sleepwalking again?”

I sat up and rubbed my head. “Yeah. I guess.”

I could tell by the look in her eyes that she didn’t believe that.

Clyde wanted me to come over and play video games, but I told him I had a stomach bug and couldn’t. He looked disappointed, and I almost started crying. I don’t want to disappoint my friends and family. I love them.

June 30 – It’s the first day of summer break and I don’t feel like doing anything. I played basketball with Lynn for a little while, but only because I didn’t want to disappoint her. The thought of her being mad at me made me sick.

Before dinner, I was in my room trying to lose myself in a video game when mom came in and sat on my bed. I stiffened.

“I know you’re going through a lot,” she said with a sigh, and put her hand on my shoulder. “And I know we haven’t been there for you the way she should be. I’m sorry.”

She was tearing up.

“It’s okay,” I said.

“No, it’s not. Your sister...she’s sick, and she hurt you and Lori. Your dad and I are still coming to terms with that.”

“So am I, I guess.”

“I know. I know you miss Luan. Luna told me she found you in Luan’s bed this morning.”

My face blushed. “Yeah,” I said.

“And Lori told me you cry in your sleep.”

I nodded.

Mom surprised me then by taking me in her arms and hugging me tight. “I’m sorry,” she said, beginning to cry. “I just don’t know what to do.”

I started crying to, and for a while, we held each other and wept.

“I made you an appointment to see a psychiatrist,” she said when the storm passed. “His name is Doctor Franklin and he’s one of the best child psychologists in the country.”

“Am I messed up, mom?”

“No! No, Lincoln, you’re not. You’re...you’re in pain. Luan hurt you and you’re suffering. That’s normal. I’m suffering too. Everyone is. But you more because of what happened. Dr. Franklin is just someone to talk to. Okay?”

I nodded.

Mom smiled. “I love you, Lincoln.”

“I love you too, mom.”