The Diary of Luan Loud

May 22 – Lincoln’s been really distant and withdrawn. The others have noticed. Lori called us girls together in her room and said we need to find out what’s wrong with him. She’s such a snoop. I volunteered to talk to him. Before dinner, I slipped into his room and shut the door. He was sitting on his bed, looking dejected. When I came in, he jerked.

“Look, Lincoln, I’m sorry about the other night,” I said. “I don’t know what came over me.”

“I-It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. You’re acting strange and now everyone’s oh so worried. What I did was wrong and if you hate me, hate me, just get it together, okay?”

He nodded.

“Do you forgive me?”

“Yes.”

I went to hug him, and he cringed. Little shit. I just sighed and left. I’ll hand it to him, he got it together enough to be almost his old self at dinner. Later on, Lori took me aside and thanked me. “What was it, anyway?”

I shrugged. “Girl trouble.”

“What kind of girl trouble?”

“He doesn’t want me to say.”

“Hmmm.”

She’s probably going to corner him herself and give him the third degree. If he tells, I’m screwed. I shouldn’t have done it. I knew better, but I did anyway.

May 23 – The hammer hasn’t dropped yet, so I don’t think Lincoln’s said anything. Luna got a new guitar today. That fat guy she hangs out with got it for her. I think they’re a couple. Gross, I know. She looks like a dyke and he looks like Fat Bastard. Every time I try to imagine them going at it my stomach hurts. But, hey, at least we have music in the Loud house again. Gotta love that.

Lucy’s been looking for her notebook. I took it and ripped it into a million little pieces yesterday, then I buried them in the garbage can. She’s pretty broken up about it. Ha. Everyone’s helping her look for it. I found it, btw. It was in the back of the garbage truck heading for the dump. HAHAHAHAHA!

Oh, I almost forgot! I found a kitten on my walk home from school. I was cutting through a vacant lot when I heard it meowing in the grass. It’s gray with a little white face and a little black patch below its nose. I call him Chaplin in front of everyone else, but Hitler in private. If I knew anything about the chemicals Lisa has, I’d play Holocaust with him. He’d be the Jew, of course. It’d be a gas (get it?).

May 24 – Lincoln’s back to his old self, more or less, and everyone seems satisfied. He still avoids me, though. I don’t get it. I know he liked it. He’s probably ashamed because he did. “Oh, she’s my sister boo-hoo-hoo.” Pisses me off. I was thinking of hitting him with a laxative, but that might come back to bite me. Then again, I could put some in dad’s nasty casserole and get everyone sick (myself included). That wouldn’t be suspicious. If I have to shit my guts out to see the rest of them sick, so be it. Maybe tomorrow. Or the next day.

Hitler’s really getting on my nerves. He does nothing meow. All night long. Luna’s pissed, but you know what? Fuck her. I don’t like hearing her “music” but do I complain? No. I sit there and take it. I’m thinking of punting the little bastard out the window anyway, so there’s that problem solved. Happy, Luna? His blood is on your hands.

May 25 – I was sitting on my bed this afternoon, playing with Hitler, when Lori came in and shut the door. I could tell by the look on her face that she meant business.

“I know it was you,” she said, and my stomach lurched. Lincoln told. The little faggot.

“Me what?” I asked.

“Who broke Lola’s wand, and Lana’s plunger, and Lynn’s ball.”

I blinked. “What?”

“And you’re probably the one who took Lucy’s notebook.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Lucy saw you coming out of her room the day Lynn’s ball got popped. Then I realized that the day Lola’s wand got broke, you were upstairs.”

“I was practicing my act,” I said innocently. My voice was steady, but my heart was pounding. Shit. How did she know? Did she read my diary? That line about Lucy was bullshit. I’m sure no one saw me.

“No you weren’t. You broke Lola’s wand. Why?”

“I didn’t break her stupid wand,” I said. I was starting to get mad. “And I didn’t break Lana’s nasty plunger.”

“You’re lying.”

“Fuck you!”

Lori blinked, shocked.

“Get out of my room!”

For a moment I didn’t think she would. She grinded her teeth, breathed deeply through her nose, and shook her head. Finally, she said, “I’m watching you,” and left.

The stupid, smelly bitch. She must have read my diary. Then again, if she did, she would have said something about Lincoln.

Unless she’s saving that for mom and dad.

Damn it. I shouldn’t have left a paper trail. Rookie mistake. Whatever. It’s done now.

Who does she think she is, coming in her like Kojak and accusing me? She has no fucking idea who she’s messing with. Watch your back, Lori, because one day, you’re gonna be going down the stairs, your nose buried in your phone, and, golly gee, have an “accident.”

I should do it tonight.