Petting Doom

 

From inside Dib's living room the sound of screeching tires outside can be heard. Soon afterward the doorbell rings and Dib opens the door. The two WSPA guys are seen with Gir between them.

DIB: Yes?

FIRST WSPA GUY: Do you want a dog?

DIB: What?

FIRST: A dog. We have a dog here. Do you want it?

DIB: Why would I want a dog?

SECOND WSPA GUY: Look here, kid. All children love dogs. We’ve confiscated this one and we need a new home for him. Do you want it or not?

Dib glances at Gir, who’s busy scratching himself in a very dog-like manner.

DIB: That’s no dog.

FIRST: It looks pretty much like a dog to me.

DIB: A dog with green fur? With a zipper on his belly? Are you people blind?

SECOND: We never pretended it was a pedigree dog. Come on, kid, take it. We wanna go home.

DIB (patiently): Look, I know this... thing. It’s a robot in a tacky dog suit which belongs to my mortal enemy, an evil alien who lives a couple of blocks away. I don’t know what insane story he told you, but there’s no way I’m letting his minion in my house, spying on my every move.

The two WSPA guys briefly exchange glances of bemusement.

DIB: You don’t believe me? OK, how many dogs do you know that can speak? (to Gir) Speak, Gir. Say something to these gentlemen here.

GIR (gleefully): I’m on vacation!

DIB (pointing at Gir maniacally): See? See? See? See? See? (after a short pause) See?

FIRST: I know of a parrot that talks.

SECOND: Yeah, animals do that. Sometimes.

Dib freaks out, grabbing his head and shaking while letting out a long groan of frustration. The two WSPA guys cautiously step back from him.

FIRST: Uh... is there someone else at home? Someone... not crazy?

DIB (quieting): My scary sister is, but I doubt she... (indignant) Hey, what do you mean, “not crazy”?

GAZ (shoving her brother aside): That’s what you’re not: not crazy. What’s going on?

SECOND: Oh, hello there, cute little girl.

Gaz gives him a hard stare as her left eye twitches.

SECOND: Want a dog? He’s funny and green and he doesn’t stink.

GAZ: That’s because he’s not a dog.

DIB (excitedly): See? See? I told you guys. Tell them, Gaz. Tell them it belongs to Zim and he has sent it to spy on us!

Gaz groans and the WSPA guys show signs of impatience.

FIRST: Look here, we don’t care if you kids think this is a dog, a robot or a parrot, we just wanna get rid of it. So, what’s it gonna be?

GAZ: Can it play games?

SECOND: Games?

GAZ: Dib sucks at it. I wanna play Game Slave 2 with someone who doesn’t suck.

SECOND: Oh... sure it can. He’s very playful, aren’t you, Bello?

Gir nods eagerly.

DIB: Bello? His name is Gir!

FIRST (shrugging): He’s yours: you can call him whatever you want.

He walks away, quickly followed by his colleague.

DIB (calling after them): Hey! What part of “I don’t want him” don’t you understand?

GAZ: Speak for yourself, Dib.

Dib and Gaz start arguing. Cut to the two WSPA guys are opening their the doors and getting into their van.

SECOND: Kids get wackier every day.