The Joys of Married Love

“I’m afraid there’s nothing that I can do.”

“What? You’s a fucking lawyer!” Skwisgaar leans over the table.

“I’m a lawyer for criminal law. Not a divorce lawyer.” Charles fold his hands on the table and wonders if this is the most stupid thing his band have ever done. Coming to think of it, it’s pretty harmless this time. Nobody got killed, at least.

“So, get another lawyers, what’s de problem?”

Charles sighs. “You both know you were very lucky that the priest didn’t know who you were? Otherwise the announcement would be all over the press, and Dethklok Minute would run up and down the channel for 24 hours of the day.” He rubs his temple with his index finger. “It will be much more difficult to find a divorce lawyer who will not spill the beans.”

“So what we does?” asks Toki.

Charles has a hard time not saying “buy a little house with a garden and space for the kids”. Instead, he answers: “Gentlemen, you will not like this, but I suggest we leave things as they are until we find a reliable divorce lawyer, and lay low about it.”

“You means I stays marries to TOKI??!” Skwisgaar howls.

Toki gives him a sidelong glance. “Hey, you hurts my feelings.”

“Are you planning to marry anyone else in the next weeks?” asks Charles slowly, knowing the answer, of course.

“Doods, what’s this all about?” Pickles’ head comes through the door of the conference room. “You know what, when I walked down the corridor, and I heard Skwisgaar shout, I don’t know what he said, but it sounded like he was saying he’s married to Toki!” He chuckles.

“We are”, says Toki in a small voice, and Skwisgaar hits him on the back of the head.

“What? Dood? What the fuck?” Pickles turns his head and shouts: “Come on in, I don’t know what’s going on here, but it sounds like fun!”

The rest of the band have taken their seats at the table in less than a second.

“So… you guys have a little announcement to make?” says Pickles.

“No.”

“We gots really drunk last night and we wokes up married”, Toki whimpers.

“Hmpf.” Skwisgaar crosses his arms. “So what? Happen to everbodys at some time.”

Murderface and Nathan are still very busy blinking and cleaning their ears, in case they heard it wrong.

Finally, Murderface speaks. “Yeah, but you don’t usually marry another guy.”

“We was drunks!” whines Toki.

“Well, I mean, I guess…” says Nathan, “I guess if you’re happy, then I’m fine with it.”

“We’s not happy, dildoface!” Skwisgaar jumps up so hard that his chair falls over. “I wants a divorce!”

“Why, did Toki turn out crap in bed on the wedding night?” asks Murderface sweetly.

“No! We was too drunks for anyt’ing!” shouts Toki.

“Charles, where are you when they are drunk and sentimental?” Pickles asks the manager reproachfully. “Why don’t you talk some sense into them?”

Charles closes his eyes and counts to ten very slowly. “We’ll find a divorce lawyer. Nobody panic now.”

Pickles cocks his head and says: “I would panic if I woke up married to any of them.”