Aishiteru Means I Love You

"Harry?" Robyn said as she entered the kitchen to see her fiance bent over the sink and heaving. "Harry, is anything wrong? Dr. Kimura?"

"Don't worry, Robyn-San." said Dr. Kimura. "He's not sick. It's purely psychosomatic."

"What happened?" she asked.

"Ooh, let me tell her!" chuckled Fang. "Y'know how Rocky and Bullwinkle said they were makin' babies with those two lesbos? Well, they put their baby batter in the freezer in a coupla creamer cartons...." Dingo started throwing up again.

"That's a good way to ruin your tooth enamel." Dr. Kimura warned.

"Thanks for tellin' me, Doc." Dingo turned on the water and rinsed out the sink.

Robyn tried to stifle her laughter. "Wait, so you're saying that Harry thought the semen was coffee creamer and he...." She couldn't hold her laughter back anymore.

"It ain't funny." said Dingo.

"Sweetheart," sighed Robyn. "Clean your mouth out and let's go to the courthouse. We'll get something for breakfast on the way. I'll wager you're running on empty just now."

"Un." Dr. Kimura said, nodding his head. "His last emission appeared to be almost entirely digestive acid."

"You trying to get /me/ to throw up next, Doc?" asked Fang.

"Fang, go find something to do." Robyn suggested.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fang slumped in the couch and channel surfed. "Nothin', nothin', nothin'....man, this might be more fun if I spoke Japanese. Or if I could find one of them weird game shows or one of those cartoons with the girls with the big tits. Maybe I can find the one that induces epileptic seizures. That'll kill some time."

"Were you speaking to me, Fang?" asked a silver blob on the carpet.

"Jesus Christ on a cracker, Matrix! Don't fucking scare me like that!" Fang yelled as Matrix took a more humanoid form.

"I apologize if my appearance evoked an undesirable emotional response." said Matrix. "I am still educating myself on the causes and effects of emotions in biological entities."

"Yeah, well, scared was a welcome change from being bored." Fang said with a shrug.

"Query: What is 'bored'?"

"It means I ain't got nothin' to do, no one to talk to. Everyone's asleep, even the humans. Even that pack of cats the lezzies own went off to catnap somewhere. I'm just alone and bored."

"Your statement is inaccurate, Fang." said Matrix. "You are not alone. I am here."

"Gee, that makes me feel all fuzzy!"

"I concur. Your epidermal texture could accurately be described as 'fuzzy'."

Fang rolled his eyes. "Usually when I'm bored I tell jokes or play a prank on someone. But, it's no fun doing that with someone who just doesn't get it."

"Are you inferring that I am lacking in the concept of humor?"

"Inferring? No! You're a laugh a minute, Matrix!"

"I thank you for the complement. However, I believe you are overpraising my grasp of the concept of humor."

"Matrix," Fang sighed. "If you wanna get humor, first you have to get sarcasm."

"Query: What is 'sarcasm'."

"It's when people say stuff they don't mean."

"Understood. Sarcasm is lying."

"Well, yes and no." said Fang. "It's kinda hard to explain. Sarcasm is like lying, but you do it in a way that people know you're lying. It's more about how you say it."

"Vocal modulation, for instance?" asked Matrix.

"Um, yeah, whatever that is." said Fang.

"Could you explain more of this 'humor' to me, Fang?" asked Matrix. "It is almost as intriguing as Law and Order."

"Why not?" Fang shrugged his shoulders and turned off the TV. "I ain't got nothin' better to do."

"Perhaps you could start by explaining that joke you told last night." said Matrix. "The one about why Scotsman like to watch porno films in reverse. Why did Dingo respond with laughter, but Hunter with anger?"

"Well, Matrix, first thing you gotta learn is dames have no sense of humor. It's like that joke. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? That isn't funny!" Matrix was blank as usual. "And then there's the one that goes How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb. Five." Matix had no reaction. "Uh, usually, the person this joke is told to says 'Why five?'"

"Very well." said Matrix. "Why five?"

"It just does, OK?" Fang snapped. Then he shook his head. "It's not funny when the timing is all off."

"In researching humor," said Matrix. "I have learned that one of the key elements...."

"Timing!" Fang cut him off.

"Yes." said Matrix. "Perhaps you could explain another element of your joke, Fang. What exactly is a 'porno film' and why would watching one in reverse be funny?"

"Well, ya gotta realize, Matrix," said Fang. "that humor is found in things that are out of the ordinary, like a movie or song played backwards. And it's funny when a Scotsman watches one backwards because they like a happy ending where the hooker gives the money back, get it? Cuz the Scottish hate spending money." /I just ruined a joke by explaining it./

"That is an inaccurate statement." said Matrix. "Hunter is of Scottish lineage, and yet she has spent quite lavishly on her upcoming wedding. Would you prefer to hear her expenditures in yen or U.S. dollars?"

"Neither." sighed Fang.

"I am still having trouble with the definitions of words such as 'porno' and 'hooker'. Please elaborate."

"OK, a hooker is a woman who has sex for money. You know what sex is, right?"

"It is the method in which biological beings propagate their species, occasionally resulting in hybrids when performed between two species with an adequate chromosomal match." said Matrix. "Many species such as humans, gargoyles, dolphins and bonobos engage in the act for the sake of pleasurable feelings. Dingo has explained much of this subject to me, though it seems to invoke an emotional reaction of discomfort from him. I once suggested that I merge with him while he engaged in an act of sexual congress with Hunter, but he adamantly refused. Pity, it would have been quite the learning experience."

Fang laughed. "Yeah, I bet it would be!"

"You laugh." Matrix observed. "Have I succeeded in telling a joke?"

"No, you /are/ a joke." said Fang. "And if you really wanna learn about sex, Matrix, you best learn it the way I did. By watchin' porno!"

"I still have not learned what 'porno' is." said Matrix.

"It's a movie that shows people, y'know, goin at it."

"A porno movie would depict biological lifeforms taking part in sexual congress? I would be very much interested in seeing a porno movie. It should provide quite the educational opportunity."

Fang grinned. "I know just where to get one!"

Before long, Matrix was watching the recording Staghart had inadvertently made of himself and Lex together. Matrix twisted his head at a 180 degree angle to better observe. "This video was shot at an unusual angle that does not enhance the aesthetics of the scene." Matrix observed. "The two of them are making rather distressed sounds. Are they in pain?"

Fang laughed. "Naw, they ain't in pain."

"I can safely assess that only gargoyles with long tails can utilize them in the way that Lexington has." Matrix continued. "Query: Is the anal cavity the preferred method of entry?"

"Only with freaks like these two." said Fang. "When a man's doing a woman, he usually sticks it in her pussy."

"Considering how small the average domestic feline's orifices are compared to a humanoid penis," said Matrix. "This would be a most difficult objective."

"Nah, I don't mean that!" said Fang. "I mean her cunt, her twat, her snatch, her beaver!"

"We are back on the subject of small mammalians?"

"Ah, forget it. And every guy, gay or straight, loves oral!"

"They prefer to talk about the sexual congress?"

"Don't call it sexual congress! That sounds like something a politician does. But, then, considering the deep shit Clinton's in.... Anyway, call it what it is. Fucking."

"Understood. Sexual congress is fucking." said Matrix. "I have another inquiry. Why did Staghart say he was 'coming' when it was clear he was not moving from his locality? It is illogical for one to come to a location that they already occupy."

"She told me to come, but I was already there!" sang Fang. "Not an AC/DC fan, huh? Well, anywho, 'coming' in this case means, y'know, skeeting, jizzing, splooging, creaming, busting a nut, drilling for white gold, blowing a wad, turning on the sprinklers, serving the hasty pudding, greasing up the piston, needing a clean-up on aisle 3...."

"None of your words make any sense, Fang."

"It means havin' an orgasm, alright?"

"With proper software," said Matrix. "I could edit this visual image so that it is displayed at a more upright angle."

Fang suddenly got an idea. "Say, Matrix, would there be a way to share this image with others on the Internet or something? You know, to help educate others."

"It would be possible." said Matrix. "Would other biological entities be enriched with such knowledge?"

"Hey, knowledge is power, ain't it?" asked Fang. "Trust me, the world would love to see this video! Be a good guy and help me share it, Matrix."

"As you wish, Fang." Matrix ejected the disc. "I shall start work right away. I do look forward to exposing others to this unique learning experience."

"Oh, so do I, Matrix!" Fang laughed. "So do I!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Oh, Fox...." David crooned as he ran his fingers over the creamy skin of the red haired woman lying in the futon beside him. "Foxy, sweetheart?"

"What is it, David?" she asked, not opening her eyes.

"I've been thinking."

"Did it hurt?"

"Fox, that joke's older than your mother. And that's saying something."

"Hmm.... I suppose it is." Fox said, rolling over, allowing the sheets to slide off her large, firm breasts.

"Fox? How do you think Alex would like having a little brother or sister?"

Fox's eyes opened. "What?"

"Well, I never had any brothers or sisters growing up, but always wanted one. You told me how you sometimes felt lonely as a child. Maybe Alex should have a little brother or sister."

"Can't we just get him a pony?"

David chuckled. "In New York City? Be reasonable, Fox."

"How's this for reasonable?" She asked, sitting up. "Since I had the last one, you can have the next one!"

"Say, you know, with modern science that's not altogether impossible." David stroked his beard as he thought. "I could mutate myself with an injection of seahorse DNA. Maybe I'd be able to breathe underwater as well. That could come in handy."

"You won't do it and you know it."

"You know me too well, sweetheart."

"You know what the problem is with you, David?"

"No. Why don't you tell me?" David smiled as he lounged on the futon, his gold and russet silk kimono sliding open to reveal his slightly furred chest.

"You're wearing too many clothes." Fox said, pulling the obi keeping his garment together. David was wearing nothing underneath.

"Fox? Ever see those old ukiyo-e prints that show two people having sex? Shunga, I believe they're called. For some reason, they're always partially clothed."

Fox shrugged, an action that drew attention to her already spectacular bosom. "It was a way of establishing the character's rank. The type of kimono worn was how they told royalty and warriors from peasants and servants."

"How would you like to try something I saw in a shunga print? I know how you love showing off your flexibility in bed."

"I don't know, David." Fox said with a sigh. "Remember that time you wanted to try something from the Karma Sutra? Your back went out, I lost a good pair of shoes and Owen wasn't able to look me in the eye for two weeks."

"Trust me, love, this will be much simpler. If you could just spread your legs far apart and bend your knees so that your heels touch?"

"Good thing I take yoga." she said, as she got herself into position. The sight and anticipation was enough to give David a massive hard on.

"Magnificent." he said, admiring his wife's nude body. He crept up behind her and put his arms around her, caressing the smooth, fair skin of her belly and thighs. "You sure you're a real redhead, dear? I haven't found a single freckle on you."

"You know I'm more of a night person." she said, pressing against him. "And I'm religious about sunblock use. Besides, you know the carpet matches the drapes." She took his hand and led it to the neatly trimmed patch of gingery curls.

David kissed her neck as one hand fondled her breasts while the other one stroked her clitoris. "Oh, David...." she sighed as lips and fingers strummed her body into an introduction of an erotic sonata. Just as the pleasure started to reach a crescendo, David picked her up. "David?" Just as she was wondering how he got so strong, she was suddenly impaled on his cock. "David!" she cried out.

She was striding his cock as he lifted her up and down. She assisted by bouncing on the balls of her feet. Not only were David's hands caressing her body, but the loose, silk sleeves of his kimono were adding a new sensation, cooly licking her flesh into sensual bliss.

Fox arched her body gracefully as she and David worked together to create a delicious friction of pleasure. His crisp chest hair and beard both tickled and scratched her neck and back as her long fiery hair whipped his face and shoulders. Low moans slowly but surely became louder, more passionate. Soon, they were both clinging to each other, crying out each others' names as they both climaxed.

Fox hissed as she engaged herself and slipped into David's arms. "Someone's been working out." she said appreciatively, caressing a bicep.

"Hey, just because I work behind a desk is no reason to get flabby."

She nuzzled against his chest. "That was incredible, darling." she purred.

"Just as I planned." he said with a mischievous smile.

A/N: Arche0 gave me a bit of an idea for the first half. I decided I had to have Fang get into some mischief during the day, so this fits.
As for the second half, Xanatos personally came to me and demanded I write a sex scene with him and Fox. Xanatos always gets what he wants.