Tri-Date Area

Last Call

“Hello, Lawrence. Why are you calling me on the phone? I thought you were downstairs fixing the garage door.”

“Oh, I am, dear. But…did you hear Candace say, well, something a bit odd, on her way out?”

“That she’s going to Jeremy’s to have anal sex? Yes, I did.”

“And you’re not concerned?”

“Lawrence, that girl hasn’t tried to bust her brothers for a month now. I’m willing to live with our daughter being sexually active if it means her not having a heart attack—or giving me one—before she’s out of her teens. Besides, I’ve been giving her a birth control pill with her morning vitamins every day since she stopped stalking Jeremy and started dating him. Dr. Hirano told me she did the same thing when Stacy started dating that friend of Jeremy’s.”

“And Candace is aware of this?”

“Of course. That first morning, I told her I was giving her the pills because it would be complex if she got pregnant at her age. She had her nose in some article about those Weasley Mustache Boys, but I know she heard me because she said, ‘B complex? Sure.’”

“Ah, all right then.”

“How’s the garage door?”

“Oh, um, very nearly fixed, just, ah, one or two minor problems left to address…”

“Lawreeeeence…”

“The door is still broken, and now my sleeve is caught in it.”

“I’ll send the boys.”

“Thank you, darling.”

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I hope you enjoyed this tale of Danvillian depravity. Thanks for reading.

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—George Glass