Finding your Feet

 

"You sure you wanna do this man? You can still back out…" Gerald's hand was on the door of the Tar Whistle, he raised a questioning eyebrow.

Arnold took a deep breath, his palm feeling sweaty around the handle of his guitar case. He nodded. "Yeah… what have I got to lose?"

Gerald chuckled, shaking his head. "Alright then… commence operation romantic gesture." He pushed the door open, struggling to get his keyboard through in one piece.

Arnold felt like he might vomit. He hadn't performed in front of an audience in years… not since he was at uni, when he played a few bar gigs with a band he was in for a while. But stage fright wasn't what had his stomach in knots, his hands shaking…

He looked around the bar for her, his eyes scanning the crowd. She was next to the stage, a tuner resting on her knee, her bass in her hands. He always loved watching her play her bass… it just made her look so badass. He swallowed.

Gerald leaned his keyboard case against one of the few empty tables. "Drinks are needed… wait here." Arnold just waited. At least when he was sitting down, he couldn't see her through the crowd.

"Drink up." Gerald put a tray down on the table. Two whiskey shots and a pint of lager each. Good.

"Cheers." Arnold clinked his shot glass to Gerald's and tipped the whiskey down his throat. It burned, he coughed.

"Only one more to go." Gerald said through his grimace. "Down the hatch."

The second one went down easier. But Arnold was still relieved to wash the taste away with the beer. "Liquid courage." He grinned, but his smile felt shaky on his face.

"You'll need it." Gerald was still shaking his head. "Want me to sign us up while she's on stage?"

Arnold nodded. He was terrified. He had no idea what would happen… would she ignore him? Would she come say hi? He didn't want to chase her round the bar while she was essentially working… he didn't want to make her feel threatened or anything either. She hadn't invited them here, they had turned up because they knew she was at the Tar Whistle every Thursday night. The last thing he wanted to do was make her feel stalked, so had to keep out of her hair.

He stared at her when she got up on stage, her head nodding in time to the music she was playing. Her lips were curled up into a little smile. He could see her mouthing the lyrics along with the singer. Her fingers walked across the strings, never missing a beat.

They played Spread Your Love by BRMC, and Song 2 by Blur, before she took the mic for the last song. "Trying this one out for the first time tonight." She smiled out at the audience. "It's a tricky one to play and sing at the same time… hopefully I don't screw it up."

Within the first two bars, Arnold knew what the song was. He almost groaned.

"I'll go put our names down." Gerald mumbled before making his way across the room to talk to Aaryn.

Arnold barely noticed… watching Helga as he was.

...

I'm so tired of playing

Playing with this bow and arrow

I'm gonna give my heart away

Leave it to the other girls to play

For I've been a temptress too long

Just...

Give me a reason to love you

Give me a reason to be a woman

I just wanna be a woman

From this time, unchained

We're all looking at a different picture

Through this new frame of mind

A thousand flowers could bloom

Move over and give us some room

Give me a reason to love you

Give me a reason to be a woman

I just wanna be a woman

So don't you stop being a man

Just take a little look from outside when you can

Show a little tenderness

No matter if you cry

Give me a reason to love you

Give me a reason to be a woman

It's all I wanna be is all woman

For this is the beginning of forever and ever

It's time to move over...

I'm so tired of playing

Playing with this bow and arrow

Gonna give my heart away

Leave it to the other girls to play

...

The applause was thunderous… and she deserved it. Her voice was husky, perfectly timed, stressed with emotion. She had nailed it… and it hurt. He knew what that song meant… and although she didn't know he was even there, it kinda felt like she was singing it to him. He recognised that it was crazy.

She was so… goddamned… beautiful. His heart was thundering, his chest felt tight, like he was underwater. He wanted to run away, to just get up and walk out, leave the guitar behind. But he had to stay… he knew he had to do this. To make some kind of gesture to show Helga he wasn't just saying he was sorry… he needed to show her.

He swallowed some more beer, draining the glass, before getting up and getting another round from the bar. His eyes flicked to her as she put her bass away, coiling a cable around her arm, packing it into the back of her little amp.

He saw her see Gerald, the look of pleased surprise on her face. They hugged, talked. She laughed, gestured at the guy doing the sign-ups, laughed again when he said something… but then she froze, her face falling. She blinked, turned to look over the crowd. He hurried back to the table, drinks in hand… too scared to meet her eyes.

Coward… coward coward coward. He tried to calm himself. He wanted her to come over and say hi… he wanted it desperately. But he was scared, terrified, that she would look at him with disdain, or disgust, or just laugh in his face. He concentrated on steadying his breath… he couldn't remember ever being this nervous.

"She knows we're here." Gerald slid back into his chair. "Cheers for the drink!" He grinned.

Arnold nodded. "Yeah, saw you guys talking." He paused, his fists clenched on the table top. "Did she say anything?"

Gerald shrugged. "She said she might come say hi… she looked kinda… shocked? Scared maybe? I dunno." He took a sip of his beer. "Aaryn put us on early, we should be up pretty soon."

Arnold nodded again, seemingly unable to talk. Where was she? He cast his eyes around the room, but couldn't see her. Chances are he just couldn't see her through all of the people, but it still gnawed at him. What if she just left?

"You OK buddy?"

He forced himself to swallow. "Yeah… nerves."

Gerald just chuckled. "Down that drink… I don't usually condone booze as a romantic lubricant, but in this case, I think it's warranted."

He was right… they didn't have to wait long at all till Aaryn signalled that they were on next. He swallowed, looked for Helga as he moved through the crowd. Weird to think that last time he had been in this bar, he had been worried about falling over… and now all he gave a shit about was having Helga forgive him… where if he'd just been less worried about his leg in the first place, he never would have pushed her away.

He couldn't see her. He hoped she was just in the bathroom, or upstairs in the VIP room. He plugged his guitar into an amp, settled on a tall stool (those stools always made him feel like Kurt Cobain... silly really) and cleared his throat. Leaning into the mic, he mumbled:

"Hi. I'm Arnold, that guy there is Gerald…" Gerald raised an eyebrow. "We're a bit rusty… so bear with us." He still couldn't see her… he could see the entire bar from up on stage… there were no lights up to blind him or anything… she just wasn't there.

He started playing, softly strumming out the chords… there was nothing he could do now… he just had to grit his teeth and play… and hope she was listening.

...

My girl, my girl had a hold on me

So tight, so tight that I could not see

Girl, she had a hold on me, she held so tight that I could not see

My girl, my girl had a hold on me

One day, one day I let her go

It hurt, it hurt so, you'll never know

The day I had to let her go, it hurt so bad that you cannot know

One day, one day I let her go

At night, at night I cry alone

I weep, I weep 'til the early morn'

At night, I cry alone, I weep all night, til the early morn'

At night, at night I cry alone

...

There was applause… he was kinda shocked. He had been so worried about Helga that he hadn't really paid any attention to the rest of the audience. "Uh, thanks." He looked around the room.

She was there.

She was there, sitting alone on the stairs, her hand balled at the base of her throat… his heart leaped, he felt himself smile with relief. She was there and she was looking straight at him. Her eyes. She smiled… a wan, tired smile, but at least she didn't sneer. OK… he could do this.

He forced his eyes to break from hers, looked out to the where the rest of the audience was looking up at him. "Uh, Kahlil Gibran once wrote 'Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.' Or, to put it plainly, I fucked up, and I regret it." He smiled. "Suffice to say, there is a reason I'm playing these songs..." He looked back to where Helga sat on the stairs - her eyes wide – and nodded to her as he began to play…

...

I, I can't promise you

that I won't let you down

And I, I can't promise you

that I will be the only one around

when your hope falls down

But we're young, open flowers in the windy fields

of this war-torn world

And love, this city breathes the plague

of loving things more than their creators

I ran away

I could not take the burden of both me and you

It was too fast

Casting love on me as if it were a spell I could not break

When it was a promise I could not make

But what if I was wrong?

But hold on to what you believe in the light

When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight

And now this land means less and less to me

without you breathing through its trees

At every turn the water runs away from meand the halo disappears

I'm not whole when you're not near

So what if I was wrong?

But hold on to what you believe in the light

When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight

So hold on to what you believed in the light

...

Applause again. He sighed in relief, his eyes flicked to the stairs. She was crying, he just caught the glint of a tear on her cheek before she wiped it away with the back of her hand. "Uh, thanks." He stood, clumsily, his guitar dangling from his hand. He wanted to throw it down and run to her. I made her cry! His stomach knotted. Why did she look so sad?

By the time he threw his guitar into his case, pushed his way through the throng of people, many of whom tried to stop him, talk to him, compliment him… she was gone.

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The songs?

Glory Box – Portishead

I Cry Alone – The Black Keys

Hold On To What You Believe – Mumford and Sons

Check them all out, they're all great : )