Borealis: A Zutara Story
Part 1 Chapter 101
Chapter 101
The Ursa continued to stop each night to honor the migrating whales and Katara stopped fearing Zuko’s bending was incapable of getting them to crow’s nest. After the silently watching the animals pass they would lay side by side comparing the names of constellations and the myths behind them. Most of them were different but a few were similar. Both of their cultures had tales of a great warrior being elevated to the sky as reward for his heroic deeds and a tragic couple whose forbidden love moved the spirits enough they were allowed to be together for eternity.
The only constellation whose stars were an exact match was the representation of the mortal wife and child of a spirit.
Each myth served as a marital example even though they had been placed in the sky for different reasons. In the Fire Nation myth was a tale of love and devotion. The woman and child had willingly given up their lives to be with Agni. The spirit had given up part of his power so they would shine to show the world their love for eternity.
In the Water Tribe myth it explained why the wolf howled at night. The great wolf spirit saw his child hiding an unfamiliar male garment and accused his wife of infidelity. In a fit of rage he killed them both. With her dying breathe his wife explained it was gift they were sewing for him. It was hidden because they did not want him to see it before it was complete. Full of shame and remorse he sacrificed his ability to speak and walk upright to grant them immortality in the heavens. Each night he howls an apology as they look down on him. It serves as a warning: husbands should be patient with their wives and children otherwise risk losing them as a result of rashness.
As she explained that Zuko’s hand drifted to her lower abdomen and his fingers began making tiny circles beneath her navel. Katara placed her hand over his to still his fingers but she didn’t remove it. She ignored the way the slight tension on her hair as he buried his face in it and pretended not to feel the wetness on the back of her scalp and neck even though the force of his sobbing shook her.
His voice cracked in her ears as he apologized, “I’m sorry. I am so sorry. I didn’t know. I never would have done that if I had known.”
The next night when the ship stopped instead of taking her to the crow’s nest he took her to the secret deck to watch the stars. He confided that he missed his smaller ship. It was more difficult to feel the waves on a ship the size of the Ursa. Katara thought it odd to hear a Firebender say he missed feeling the ocean beneath him.
She closed her eyes when Zuko admitted that when things became too difficult he would go outside and reveal his innermost thoughts to the moon. He confessed that many nights during his banishment he had ended up falling asleep on deck comforted by the sound and feel of the waves. For as long as she could remember when she got upset she would go outside and bear her soul to Tui and La.
After it became known she was a Waterbender there were many times she felt the moon and the ocean were her only friends. They tried to hide it but she could tell she was resented by many of her peers who were jealous they had not been blessed with the gift of bending. During her travels if a water source wasn’t nearby her conversations would be limited to the moon but she would always ask Tui to tell La hello and she missed him.
In some ways it angered her that Sokka had begun doing so after Yue died at the North Pole. The moon had been her friend since she was a child, even though Tui was no longer the moon spirit and she liked Yue there were times she felt as if Sokka had stolen her only friend.
The Ursa dropped anchor several more nights and Katara could hear the distant call of whales but Zuko did not take her back to the crow’s nest to see them. She had thought Chu-hua had used his mother’s memory into making him feel guilty for sharing their family traditions even Ursa’s memory wasn’t good for much else.
That night after placing his head between her legs and sucking her breasts he had lain on top of her. Out of habit she closed her eyes and tuned out his whispers of how much he cared for her not realizing he wanted more than to touch. Her growing complacency had given him the advantage he needed to interlace his finger with hers. He didn’t bother with the cuffs. Katara dug her nails into the tender joints at their bases hoping it would make him free her hands. Afterwards he expressed happiness she wanted to hold his hand while they made love.
She could not sleep after he said that to her. She washed away his semen, healed herself and wondered how he had gotten that idea. What part of his mind had interpreted her actions in that manner? Was there something she had done to make him think she wanted him inside her? She did not move as his arms settled around her waist. She was still awake hours later when she felt wetness on her shoulder and Zuko’s hand splay across her stomach. She realized his avoidance of the whales had nothing to do with Chu-hua and his tearful apology the other night wasn’t meant for her.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I would have loved you. I would have kept you and your mother hidden until I helped the Avatar defeat my father. I didn’t mean to kill you. I would have changed the world for you. I am so sorry. I never would have done that had I known.”
Katara forgot all about trying to figure what part of her actions Zuko had interpreted as encouragement or what in his mind allowed him to do so. It was a relief to know she had finally done something to hurt him more than had hurt her. But somehow her decision to let him think he had caused her to miscarry the child she aborted wasn’t as satisfying as she imagined. He had been right about the things she did to hurt him always turned out worse for her. She had cost him one child. He had cost her the ability to have children.
It was only fair that she allowed him to feel guilty for her action. Anyone who could mistake an act of rape as making love needed to feel guilty about something.