Movie Parodies: South Park Style

A Nightmare In South Park

DISCLAIMER: SP kids aren't mine.

CAST
Wendy Testaburger
Officer Barbrady
Mrs. Testaburger
Stan Marsh
Bebe Stevens
Kyle Broflovski
And Eric Cartman as "Fred Krueger".

(Some spooky boiler room. Bebe, dressed in a white nightgown, wanders around in confusion and fear. What does she have to be afraid of?)

BEBE: What do I have to be afraid of?

(Cartman is wearing a red and green sweater, a brown hat and a pair of brown pants, plus a wicked looking razor glove on his right hand. He pops his burned face out from behind a steaming pipe at her.)

CARTMAN: ME!

(Bebe screams and runs. Cartman slashes at her with his glove, and suddenly Bebe is back in her bed, the alarm blaring on her nightstand.)

BEBE: Whew! I'm alive! (looks next to her in bed.) Damn! Jimmy left! I was gonna get some more off of him in the morning!!

(South Park High, next morning. Bebe is talking to her best friend Wendy, and Wendy's boyfriend Stan.)

BEBE: (shakes her head) What a night. First I invite Jimmy Swanson to spend the night with me, then after we got it on, I fell asleep and had that awful dream. Then I wake up and find Jimmy gone.

WENDY: You had SEX with JIMMY?! Blurgh... (shudders)

(Kyle walks up.)

BEBE: So, you guys are coming over tonight, right? Cause I don't wanna sleep alone.

WENDY: What, now you wanna have sex with us, too?

BEBE: NO! I'm not just a slutty sex addict, you know.

STAN: (smirks) Right. (kisses Wendy, vomits, and runs off.) Gotta get to class.

BEBE: However, speaking of sex... (looks at Kyle and smiles) Why don't you come over tonight too?

KYLE: (he shudders) Uh, maybe.

(Bebe's house, that night. Stan and Wendy are sitting with Bebe in her living room.)

BEBE: Where the hell is sweetass... I mean, Kyle?

(Kyle enters.)

KYLE: Here I am!

BEBE: Wow. Cool! (looks at Wendy and Stan, and smiles.) Me and Kyle are sharing my mom's bed. You guys can have the rest. (drags Kyle off.)

KYLE: (looks startled) Sharing ymom'mom's bed? You mean...?!

(Bebe and Kyle get it on. Stan, since he can't share the same bed with Wendy, groans.)

STAN: This sucks. (flips on his headphones to listen to Peter Gabriel.)

(Bebe's bedroom. Bebe and Kyle fall asleep in her mom's bed. Bebe suddenly finds herself outside her house.)

BEBE: What the hell? (Cartman shows up again.) Noooo... (runs. Cartman chases after her and tackles Bebe at the front door.)

(Kyle wakes up in bed as Bebe, asleep and dreaming struggles with Cartman. Kyle scrambles out of the bed and watches in horror, too stunned to do anything else, as Bebe appears to be fighting something invisible. Her chest gets cut open severely, and Bebe gets dragged up the wall and across the ceiling, leaving some obviously fake blood behind her.)

BEBE: KYLE!!!! KYLE!!!!! HELP ME!!!!! (exhales her last breath) SON OF A BISCUIT...!!! (dies.)

KYLE: Bebe!!!!

(Some police station. Officer Barbrady leads a now-dressed Kyle, handcuffed and bloody, to his waiting cell.)

BARBRADY: There ya go, mister psychopath! (tosses him in. Literally. Kyle hits the wall.)

KYLE: Ow.

WENDY: I can't believe Kyle killed Bebe.

(Wendy's house. Wendy falls asleep and gets terrorized in her dream by Cartman. Also, in the dream, she sees Cartman in Kyle's cell. The Jewish boy is asleep and Cartman is tying the bed sheets around his neck in the fashion of a hangman's noose.)

WENDY: Nooooo!!! LEAVE KYLE ALONE!!!

CARTMAN: But I don't want to leave Kyle alone. I hate Kyle.

(Wendy wakes up screaming. She gets dressed, goes to Stan's house, and bring him with her to the police station, where Barbrady is still on duty.)

WENDY: Could I see Kyle Broflovski?

BARBRADY: No, you can't see him! I took the night shift to get some peace and quiet!

STAN: Um, Barbrady, you're the only cop who's ever here, and nothing ever happens. Why would you need peace and quiet?

BARBRADY: Oh. Where am I again?

STAN: Never mind.

(Kyle's cell. The sheets suddenly wrap themselves around Kyle's neck, wrenching him from sleep, and drags him up the wall of the cell, hanging him from the prison bars.)

KYLE: Aw! Weak, dude!

(His neck is broken just as the others arrive too late.)

WENDY: Kyle!

(Wendy and Stan are stunned.)

STAN: I can't believe my best friend is dead too!

BARBRADY: Eh?

STAN: Never mind.

(Psychiatric Hospital. Wendy is hooked up to machines, while her mother and a doctor stand nearby. They are at a dream clinic. Wendy falls asleep, and, while dreaming, screams in fear. The doctor rushes to her aid, waking the terrified girl. Wendy sees something in her hand. A crinkled-up bag of Cheesy Poofs.)

WENDY: What the hell?

(Her mother sees the snack bag and reacts in horror.)

(Wendy's house. After hours of screaming at her mother over the significance of the cheesy poofs bag, Wendy finally learns the truth.)

MRS. TESTABURGER: Ten years ago, Eric Cartman killed a bunch of children on this street. He was caught, and arrested, but, due to a legal technicality, was freed. Sounds how screwed up the judicial system actually is. We took action. A bunch of us parents tied him to a chair and forced him to watch Old Jetsons cartoons until he burst into flames. That bag of cheesy poofs was his favorite snack. But Cartman's dead. He can't hurt you anymore.

CARTMAN: (O.S.) Wanna bet?

(Wendy and her mother look around in confusion.)

WENDY: What the hell was that?

MRS. TESTABURGER: Uh... cockroaches?

(Stan's house. Stan is lying on his bed, while talking to Wendy on the phone. Wendy starts to tell Stan who the killer is, but Stan falls asleep from terminal boredom, which is inflicted from hearing her voice, and Cartman sucks him inside the mattress.)

WENDY: STAN!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!! (brightens) At least, now I can go out with Token. (Cartman appears, and chases her around.) AHHHHH!!!!

(After an hour of running around the house, Wendy sets Cartman on fire, then rushes to her mom's room and finds him on top of her, burning Mrs. Testaburger up. Wendy grabs a chair and whacks him with it. Her mother's body vanishes, and Cartman leaps at Wendy.)

WENDY: Wait a minute. You didn't start doing this until we became afraid of you. It must be our fear that is giving you your strength. Well, I'm not afraid of you anymore. (walks away towards the door. Cartman vanishes.)

CARTMAN: Dude! WEAKKKKKK!!! (Goes to hell.)

(Wendy's front porch. Day. The brunette steps outside and Token pulls up in his car.)

TOKEN: Want a ride?

WENDY: Sure!

(Wendy gets in. Suddenly, Token turns into Cartman.)

CARTMAN: Got you now! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

WENDY: Noooooooo!!!!

(The car zooms off while some children sing nearby.)

CHILDREN: (singing) One, two, Cartman's coming for you.
Three, Four, better lock your fridge door.
Five, Six, put away the Pop Tarts Snax Stix.
Seven, Eight, He'll kill you unless he ate.
Nine, Ten, never have food again.

NEXT: X-Men.