I'm dying for the next chapter
Wow, I really like what you have here so far! You have such a great, comfortable style and flow. It feels like you're totally at ease. I suppose that's probably because you've been writing for so long.
Speaking about the story itself: things are sexy so far, sure, but I'm also really enjoying the subtle humor and just the general wit of everything. The Leni with scissors thing for instance really made me laugh. Lola's been characterized well, too; she has some great lines and her body language is on point. All the sisters are, actually. Honestly most of this should probably go without saying but it's hard to pick just one part of the story to comment approvingly on considering there's no 'potholes', literarily speaking, no discernible weak points. Everything feels polished to a mirror shine and made to a a very high standard. That being the case I guess all I can really do is speculate on the narrative arc.
In just the first chapter you've set up so many intriguing little plot threads, it feels like. I don't suspect the sisters you had come along were chosen at random for example. Maybe it's just my own mind jumping to conclusions, but it feels like there's SO much you could do, so many possibilities open with the layout you've created and the cast you've put together, that one night really doesn't seem like enough to explore them all. Still, I'll definitely be watching carefully to see where everything goes. I'm very intrigued.
A couple of stray thoughts to close things out: I really like that you come up with clever little alternate names for real world brands, items, etc. Elizabeth's Mystery for instance. I don't know if it's just me but naming actual brands in a story set in the Loud House world is something I always find takes me out of it a bit. I appreciate this kind of attention to detail to make sure the story is as familiar-yet-not as possible. The girls' porn names are all clever and amusing. Misty Mako's description was the one I found particularly hypnotizing and well-written among all of them, really good flow there. And lastly, the big wheel gang thing was something I found almost as funny as the Leni bit.
Well, I guess I better stop there to keep from droning on. It should go without saying at this point but I loved the first chapter and I can't wait for more!
Will Lincoln have sex with Lola?
I wonder if Lincoln is gonna get ptsd from the real facts about this pagent or from seeing his own sister in that outfit