And now to bombard you with comments about chapter 3.
Descriptive bits I particularly liked:
--"Byzantine circles of exclusivity"
--"His quiet outrage did not seem to be entirely an affectation."
Great pieces of Leni dialogue:
--"He's totes trying to seduce me." Leni always seems to know what to say to achieve maximum awkwardness. :-)
--"And circle the stuff we can share!" Great Leni line--totally inappropriate but very sweet.
--Replying to Lincoln's question, "Could you see if there's a blanket in there?" with "There isn't, but it's okay. I won't hog the covers." What a perfect way to illustrate how differently Lincoln and Leni understand the sleeping arrangements.
--I liked that you followed up Leni's line, "It doesn't matter where we go, it'll totes feel special as long as you're there with me" with "Only Leni could say something like that with total sincerity." Absolutely true.
Other comments:
--I went “awww” when Lincoln unconsciously reached down and took Leni's hand in the car.
--I like that Leni obviously wants to treat Lincoln as her boyfriend but still has enough sense to know that it's not appropriate -- unless, of course, no one around them knows that they're siblings.
--I was a little confused by this bit: "He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen Leni so happy. She was outright vivacious. It was like the last three years had never happened. His stomach churned when he thought about it." What was the "it" that made his stomach churn--the events of the last three years, or Leni's having seemingly forgotten them?
--I like the concept of the grandmother with the basket of roses, not selling them but giving them to men she believes are in love.
--I also like the way that you describe the grandmother as being like an elderly version of Lucy. That conveys a lot of description in just a few words.
--The moment with the rose was suspenseful. The whirling thoughts in Lincoln's head are portrayed very well. And I really had no idea how it was going to end. And of course, afterward, you're left wondering what the old lady saw in Lincoln that made her think he was in love with Leni, and whether she was right.
--I love your three-dimensional take on Leni. She may be dumb as a rock in an intellectual sense, but her capacity for empathy is off the charts. That's very true to the character.
--The callback to North of Northampton and Lincoln's use of vocabulary from that movie was great. It reminded me of that scene in Splash where John Candy is able to say in Swedish, "Hey babe, I've got a twelve-inch penis" because he has watched enough Swedish porn to pick it up.
--It's interesting that at some point in the past, Lincoln's sisters were taking turns sharing his bed, and that Rita apparently was okay with that. I'm wondering if this was soon after their father died, when the normal rules of the household might have been relaxed a little to help the kids deal with their grief.
--Lincoln's semi-conscious kiss of Leni was a great way to end the chapter.
Looking forward to reading on!
I’ve finished chapter 2, and I shall now bombard you with seemingly random comments.
First, there were a lot of descriptions and phrases I liked, including
--The “ping pong ball” simile you use to describe Lincoln's discomfort with being caught between Leni and the stewardess
--“millimetrically precise”
--The nicely erotic description of the drop of water coursing down Leni’s face, neck, and chest
--Most of all, the description of Leni's outfit. That “flowed down her body like ink” description is positively sumptuous.
Second, there was some great Leni dialogue:
--When she blithely mentions that all the Loud sisters had their first kiss with Lincoln, having no clue how humiliating her confession will be for him. Plus, it's kind of hot. :-)
--“I don't want any suckers.”
--Not wanting to leave the hotel in the same outfit she wore coming in because she might get arrested. I was like, wait a minute, does Leni think the fashion police are a real thing? And, of course, she does.
--Leni's subsequent statement that New York City probably has “fashion SWAT” made me LOL (and imagine Shemar Moore tackling Leni and telling her that her shoes are SO last season). 😊
Other comments:
--Ossu is a colorful character who seems well suited to a Loud House fic.
--Fact check: I don't think Napoleon ever invaded India. In fact, he tried to ally with some of the Indian princes against the British.
--I'm curious: Is Lincoln's ex Jordan the “girl-Jordan” from the show? It wouldn't surprise me, given that Lincoln seems to have a thing for girls who like to beat on him (with dodge balls, in girl-Jordan's case).
--I would have liked some explanation of why their mother was adamantly against Lincoln moving in with Leni, or at least, what she claimed her reason was. Given that Lincoln and Leni are both adults now, they could have chosen to move in together anyway, so their mother’s argument against it must have been at least somewhat compelling.
Thanks for a couple of good chapters, and I’m looking forward to reading on.
I meant to ask, is there any meaning to the title "Fashion (Turn To The Left!)"?
Out of your three stories, this one is number three on the list for me, as good as it is. I do like it though, quite a lot.
It’s a very realistic, original idea. I always appreciate that.
Lincoln was done in an interesting way. It really felt like I was reading the thoughts of what would be a grown up version of the boy we all know and love. Most good LH stories set in the future tend to stray quite far from the origin, which drastically changes the characters, especially and always Lincoln. This story is easy to imagine, in a vivid likeness to the show. You didn’t skip a beat. Jumping right into the drama. That helps, because it stops us readers from having to create and fill empty voids, solidifying the realism.
My favorite part of this story is how you handled the rest of the family. Keeping everything regarding the family vague was a good choice. It kept the story tight and personal. You have just the right amount of knowledge to make it seem like they’re still there. For example, Lincoln comparing the Italian rose lady to his sister Lucy; even though we never saw Lucy, it was refreshing it was there. I was really impressed by this. Of course, this could drastically change in the end, as you haven’t finished the story yet of course.
Poor Leni. Such innocence, with so much pain and misunderstanding. She was noticeably smarter in this than normal and in the show, but it was needed, and done well. How you kept having Lincoln think things like “Leni needs help. Maybe she doesn’t though,” or things like that, made it even more acceptable.
The scene with Rita, discussing things over with Lincoln was quite beautiful. It was heart wrenching in a weird way. It wasn’t overly emotional, but the context gave it the feeling that it was. It was so intimate. Knowing Lynn Sr. passed, and hearing how it impacted the family, and still does was a nice touch.
The main event sure was something. Lincoln’s suit was a very nice extra little plot point. When his “crush” was one of the gossipers, I was shocked and had a good laugh. Delving into her own emotional state and thought process, even her past was what puts your stories over the top. It’s something most authors wouldn’t think of doing, not at the amount you did it, and it was fantastic. I really appreciate that kind of thoughtfulness in stories. Getting back on topic, Leni and Lincoln’s whole spat was pretty intense. Rarely does Leni get genuinely mad, (again, smarter here), but it was interesting.
The sex scene was good. Lots of nice emotions there. Plain and simple.
I look forward to see how this will end, and will leave a follow up review when it does.
>senpai noticed me ;o;
Excellent update! The penultimate love scene between LincxLeni was very hot, 10/10. I'm glad to hear that there is an epilogue chapter on the way, and your writing is so good I am more than willing to wait until after the new "MIWU" drops (especially since I've been looking forward to a new chapter of that since before "Fashion TTTL" was even a thing lol).
Another fantasic story, love the slow burn, love the humor and character. I can't wait to see the rest.
Leni may not be crazy, but she is wearing a crazy person's uniform... :/
Poor Rita, you can tell Leni's 'problem' has driven her to her wit's end. Can't be helped though, who else in the family was gonna step up and help Leni out? Looking forward to more Doctor :D
Oh ho ho, a new story- and it's Lenicoln? Noice, I'm glad you said this one will be a bit more upbeat than 'Make it Wit'Chu' (I like the soul-destruction but not in every story). 10/10 Doctor I hope to see more soon!
Great start can' wait to see more