Let me expand on my last review.
This chapter was devastating to the story.
As a reader I only come back to a story if I care about the characters in it.
This story started off destroying Kim's character. It turned her into an immoral, cheating slut. Okay, fine, I am still interested because Ron is at least still a decent character. So, I care about Ron and because of that I still care about Kim and what she does.
In other words, is this going to be a Kim falls from grace story and the real meat of the story then becomes how Ron copes with losing the love of his life. Or is this a redemption story and we get to see how he helps Kim struggle back from the brink?
All of these though depend upon me caring about them because at least one of them is still a sympathetic character. In your story through the actions that you have repeatedly had Kim choose that character was Ron.
This chapter just utterly destroyed that sympathy. I no longer have any compassion or sympathy for Ron, and thus by extension I really don't care anymore what happens to Kim.
Since I no longer give a crap if the lying, cheating, totally untrustworthy ass Ron Stoppable lives or dies, I also no longer care what happens to Kim. She had already fallen from grace, and in the intervening chapters you have written nothing that makes me any more sympathetic to her character. She hasn't struggled and suffered to redeem herself only to have those struggles prove moot because Ron proved unworthy of her struggles.
This chapter just simply made this a story with two non sympathetic characters which at this point I honestly hope get a case of incurable syphillis and have their brains eaten up as they slowly go crazy and eventually die. Or go the route LunaSilver had been promoting and have Kim become a mindless slut. I am having a hard time finding the energy to care.
And just to be clear that is the last thing an author wants, the reader not caring.
I really have no idea what your goal for this story was, but it has reached the point that you might want to take a step back and consider some major rewrites.
Also, there are zero time clues in this. I have no idea where it is supposed to fall in the story.
She was right about Kim and Ron not tellin each other what they did with the other people they have sex, so to me it seems that's the first rule that they both unknowingly break at the same time and soon the rest of the rules too because it seems to me that the rules was nothing more then a way for both Kim and Ron's way of saying they're breaking up with each other and the sex they just had with each other was the last they'll ever have together and the last time they'll ever see each other, hope the author idea of ending this story is happier then the one I see happening based on chapter 16
I want to start off by apologizing if my last review came across as too harsh. I realized today that I failed to state, along with my critique, that I think you have the potential for an extremely good story. You are improving and trying to address issues as they come up.
I will reiterate again that one thing which would probably do you the most good is to get a beta reader. You need someone who knows what your goals are for the story and can then act as a devil's advocate.
So, please do not get discouraged. I and others really want to see how this story ends.
Also, one thing that I thought about was that this story can still have a good ending. Since this story started with Kim engaging in four simultaneous acts of infidelity there was no way this was going to be a heroic arc, but it can be a redemption arc.
I am not sure if you have realized this yet, but you have essentially written Kim as an addict. She is controlled by her desires and needs. When she needs a fix she basically doesn't care what she has to do or who she hurts to get that fix.
It is ironic that you have setup two people with the same sexual desire, but have shown the two going about fulfilling them differently. Ron has basically, although not completely, went about it right. He is in enough control to try and keep from hurting those involved. He refused to cheat on Kim and he only chose unmarried partners. Kim has not went about it correctly at all.
This might be a path forward for you that can lead to a happier ending. But as with all addicts she is going to have to realize and admit that she has a problem and then get help for it.
Of course, as with all of my comments, I have no idea how they fit into your desired goals for this story.
All of this being said, please keep writing, you have potential and are getting better. Until next chapter good luck and good writing.
Good chapter.
You did a good job of showing the differences between Kim and Ron.
As for Kim's responsibility, like you said, cheating is a two way street. So, yes the guys are responsible, but so is Kim. And to be completely honest, Kim is being an idiot about this. Anyone who can serially cheat on someone they supposedly love like this is not someone that can be trusted. So, why does she think that they won't take advantage of her? All around Kim's solution isn't healthy, safe, or smart. But just like any addict (sex or otherwise) she doesn't care enough to look at it that closely. They are providing her fix and that is all she cares about.
Keep up the good work.
Want a nice realistic twist that you don't see enough in erotic fiction of this type?
Have Mr. Serial Cheater catch Gonorrhea or Chlamydia from one of his other conquest. Then, since Kim thinks that her implant is all of the protection she needs she gets it. Then she passes it on to the other three guys and Ron. Who all pass it on to their partners. This will quickly destroy the other two marriages, since not only were their husbands cheating on them, but they gave their wives an STD.
Then Ron's little playthings aren't going to be too happy.
And heck, I can't imagine Ron will be overly happy either, but it isn't like he was really taking the necessary precautions either.
What a nice little bit of realism to bite Kim in the ass and maybe make her wake up to the destructive behavior that she has been engaging in.
Just a thought for a realistic consequence that can cause a major shake up to status quo.
Good writing.
Wonder if Ron ever had the three girls lined up next to each on all fours so can get a good view of there asses while he fucks the girl in the middle with his dick as Ron fingers the other two girls on either side of the girl in the middle.
Will there be a public gang bang event at the shack where anyone anywhere in the world (including villians) with a TV or computer can see a naked disguised Kim live on TV telling everyone that she's gonna get gang banged by so many manly men with there body splitting dick (only guys including Ron participate in banging Kim if you want him in the chapter) even after Kim finds out about what the guys did she didn't care and still wants to be gang banged so Kim could think to herself or say outloud that Raul's right Kim is a whore that can't get enough of being gang banged by them or any group of so many manly men and there big body splitting dicks that can make her face turn into one that shows she's been fucked silly (eye's rolled up mouth open tongue out) just by being penetrated and or even before the guys cover Kim's body inside and out with cum but that doesn't stop the guys from keep on using her and there's nothing Kim can do about it which she loves the most because the gang bang paradise she's always wanted is where she is now and on the plus side she really enjoys it because everyone in the world can see she's happy and that no one knows that the Kim Possible is the one being gang banged on TV.
Take out what's to much and/or doesn't go with what you have planned for the story but I do hope that you enjoyed the idea
Well this chapter just took a dramatic turn towards the exciting.
So a bunch of unfaithful assholes end up being unfaithful to Kim. There is a shocker. I love it.
Then there is Kim's illness. So is it an STD? Did they drug her so they can gangrape her? Is she about to find out that no birth control is 100% effective?
As for being cruel, that is an author's job. To give life to these wonderful characters. To give them hopes and dreams. Then to crush them and torture them for reader's entertainment.
Concerning your writing ability. Don't worry about it. You are focused on improving and not too proud to take criticism and adjust. You will be an excellent author if you keep it up. I am enjoying your story.
Loved it especially the guys being considerate to Kim about her being on video.
I don't know what to say about this chapter.
For the most part it was just a standard porn chapter. However, I hate to say it but your Kim is kind of a bitch.
Throughout this story she has pretty much hurt numerous people for purely selfish reasons. And she has shown little remorse except where it effects her.
She cheats on Ron without a second thought and for the most part her angst over it isn't about how it hurts Ron, but how it will effect her.
She had to check that she wasn't pregnant after her first gangbang but rags on Ron because he might have gotten the girls he had sex with pregnant.
Then this chapter adds a couple of other layers.
Early on she states that she isn't a home wrecker, but by now she has continued to have sex with men that she knows are married, and has now broken up a marriage. She has hurt a completely innocent woman and her children. She is a home wrecker, and she shows absolutely no remorse for this. In fact her primary reaction is to talk him into having sex with her.
Then, she has went from only trying things first with Ron to learning about bondage with her married lovers and after she has "learned everything" she will be exclusive with Ron. What a load of crap. Talk about paying a debt with a worn out coin.
At this point I am having a hard time seeing how this story will have a good ending. This story has all of the marks of being a Kim falling from grace story. Which is fine, but as it stands this Kim is not a good or considerate person. She is leaving a path of misery behind her quest for sexual gratification. And until she starts respecting her lovers and putting them ahead of her own desires she is only going to have a hard and unhappy life.
Which can be a good story, but I don't think it was what you were shooting for.
Anyways, I look forward to seeing where you take this.