Chapter 1 is short and not very descriptive. Chapter 2 is very confusing and looks like it was written by many different people, doesnt flow well together. Chapter 3 is solid, would like to see this writer redo the entire story, good job nonetheless!
Okay, it was good.
>pros:
good references to characters (fanfiction that doesn't reflect the characters is silly in my opinion... what that's worth)
clear writing style. I was never confused about character actions or progression of events
really good clothing description
the sex actually informs you about the characters feelings etc.
Never saw this story coming but it somehow worked
>con
second have seems rushed
really would have liked to see Rhonda's progression to whoredom (the part at the end with the big cocked customer could have been the tipping point instead of the end)
Some points seem contradictory (bathroom stalls, the bus scene, and the lunch part)
Not enough rape and sex also is rhonda a nog? Olga is a great name for a whore.
Rhonda gets broke" seems more like a bait switch. Coming from 4chan's WSR, it described as needing money to help her family but her family is not mentioned, which is further compounded by her selfishness by using the credit card to buy things for herself.
You need some more world building. Having never watched an episode of Hey Arnold!, I had to read wikipedia article character these fictional characters were and the type of world they live in. Your story may not have been geared for the likes of myself, but without a doubt you want as many people to read and like your story.
The adult nature of your story... well... you tried. I think that an incredible opportunity was sqaundered when situation just escalated from debt due to the orgy on a fictitious 11yo girl. Presuming you wanted to play her virginal nature, there was plenty of opportunity to surprise her with how fingers or a penis feels as it enters her body, discovering the incredible nature of an orgasm. or could have established her slutty nature before hand - a prologue with masturbation or sexual dreaming - and now fulfilling this rape fantasy has unleashed her more so. I have you ever seen an orgy? You cannot summon up what happens in one paragraph and should give your audience something to imagine - how she struggles to choke down an 8in. dick, how the unique ticklish feeling grows when a finger or tongue is put to her clit, how she feels so scared yet so good when the men hold her legs apart and another in the prime position, in one single thrust breaks her cherry. You started to understand this concept in the bus sequence.
I have composed comparable stories and wonder if your outline - if you used one - has and ending. Far be it to tell you how to write, I have written and abandoned comparable stories because continuity of violence and sex does not allow for a satisfying ending. Have you imagined a ending for this story?
Im liking what you got here.
The pacing is nice and very immersive keep at it!
It was the age of prosperity, it was the age of decline. 10/10 Rhonda almost sucks as many dicks for choclate boy.
Good description, entertaining story. Good fanfic.
Hey, nice chapter, but a little weird. I mean, the story is all about the debt, and Rhonda getting forced to do those things but in chapter 2, she and everyone else is ok with it and she even enjoys it. And then there is the clients and the guy at the end. It is a little confusing like the story has no focus.
The episode is very well written and the erotic parts are hot even if they are short. I hope you continue the good work.
Bye.
Maybe that stranger could be any adult male or her dad and he could spank her for being such a slut, which she loved and the spanking just a thought.