Just finished chapter 1 -- a promising start. I like the onslaught of emotions that Star feels as she watches Jackie, from admiration to jealousy to attraction and back again. I was a tad surprised that Jackie didn't take offense at Marco's "Do you do this often?" question, but on reflection, Jackie IS fairly unflappable. And Marco's stammering response to Jackie's version of the question was hilarious and a perfectly in character. The bit about Marco using Star's bras to practice unhooking one shocked me a bit, chiefly because I thought Marco's boundaries were better than that, but on the other hand, it was cool to see that the bad-boundary problem isn't Star's alone. And the part right after that, where Star says that no teenager has the right to be as cool as Jackie is being during her first time, was absolute gold (because it's exactly what I was thinking, too).
As for the sexy bits, Jackie telling Marco exactly what she was going to do with him was especially hot -- and probably compliant with California's "Yes Means Yes" law. :) And for whatever reason, I just loved Star yelling "Just fuck already!" And the ending was great: Not only was Star's vicarious-sex experience sexily creative, but I liked the fact that it showed us where she draws the line in her voyeurism.
I did notice several errors that spellcheck can't catch (eg, shinning for shining, relieve for re-live, jealously for jealousy) and some phrases with extra or missing words (eg, "messed everything again," “a lot a more composure”). (If you want, PM me and I'll give you a complete list.) But these didn't get too much in the way of the fun.
I'm glad I saw your review response thread on the AFF forums and learned of this story's existence. Looking foward to reading on!
im loving this story so far and would love to see more of it,it would be awesome if you could have more hekka poo im a big fan of hers and there isn't enough of her around on the net unfortunately. also there were a few spelling errors here and there anyway keep up the great work im looking forward to more of this story.
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That was the best SVTFOE story i have read on this site hope you keep it going man