I love how you write your dialogues, it feels smooth and very well paced
Six years late but I found this. You did a great job of running with what they gave us S1 and you perfectly captured the friendship side of Starco. Knowing how the show goes I was hoping for a Starco ending, but this was pretty perfect taking into account what you had to work with.
Chapter 13 (You came too soon…)
Well that was a fantastic way to turn things around – even literally once or twice. Jackie Lynn Thomas has always been easygoing but, even though she'd pretty much demanded that Star and Marco make love, to watch them really enjoy it without feeling any twinges of jealous herself is the ultimate.
The enthusiastic opening to the "Everything worked out for the best so let's all do it already!" sex scene was delicious as usual, with a quick yet satisfying build-up to the big moment, and jumping to the end was great not only for keeping things running along but also because that description of how sweaty, heaving, spent, etc. they were gave my imagination license to fill in the gaps as well as Marco and Oskar had been doing.
Star and Marco's fist bump was a great touch to signify that they're still close friends while also being a nice callback to when they came up with their ingenious plan. The later hint that Jackie had some inkling that it was something like that showed that she's certainly no dummy, but to the point where if it turned out great for her then it doesn't really matter.
Clearing the air when they were alone again was a nice touch. I don't know if it was completely necessary because I'd already felt that the Darkstar and Blood Moon stuff had been resolved, but making sure it was settled without needing to over-do it was not a bad idea at all since there was some pretty hard and hot action when that was being worked out.
Man, I actually felt a twinge of regret that Rogelio had to go and we got to spend so little time with him. (But hey, that beer isn't going to sell itself…?) Perhaps I was projecting a bit of Marco, but in the end I think they bonded pretty well with Marco sharing his problems and his grandfather giving him just the right kind of and (and, as I noted an instant before seeing him explain it) quite memorable advice.
Ending with their optimism and one last bit of wingman affection did the trick. Awesome story, and it flowed so well and was so enjoyable that I was surprised to see that it comes out to sixty-five (printed) pages.
You are most welcome for the proofreading. I only wish I hadn't needed to recuse myself once or twice. But more importantly thank you for this hard work and riveting result.
Chapter 13 (and final) review
*Massive spoilers ahead*
Whoa, you got me! I honestly thought this was going to be a starco fic played straight in the end when I read Chapter 12. It frankly could have been, but the fact that it isn't makes me like the whole thing even more. Marco and Star's chemistry reads first as cute and second as hot, but that kinda would work for them even if they did end up as the couple. On the other hand, I am so so glad that this didn't end up with Jackie and Oskar together-by-default or left by the wayside.
I think is also a pretty cool point to make that Marco and Star can be soulmates, and the person each other truly loves the most, without that love being romantic love, let alone the person each other are most attracted to, sexually. There is some attraction too, I would think, but I get your point of it being much *less* than their attraction to their respective crushes. I also do like that the "*just* friends" debacle and the conversation with Rogelio was (truly great) foreshadowing.
Now, all that said, and as your fan and holding you to an extremely high standard: I didn't like the sex scene in the final chapter as much as I liked the one in chapter 12. Don't get me wrong, I love the idea: Marco x Star have cute loving besties sex, while Marco x Jackie and Star x Oskar have steamy hot I-need-this-now sex. But I feel, given that idea, that the actual scene rushes through the sex scene, then jump-cuts to the fist-bump (which is awesome btw, I already read the post so I know how important that scene was). It is by no means a bad sex scene, but what I am saying is that it is not the best sex scene in this fic, at least to me. Reading this, I can be convinced on an intellectual level that Marco finds Jackie hotter than Star and Star gets it on so much more with Oskar, but I wished I had felt that, viscerally. I did not. Although, of course, that is very subjective.
That said, again, I am actively looking for reasons to nitpick at this point, and holding you to the highest possible standard. Everything else has me well and truly impressed: what the conclusion to the story is, how perfect you get the characters (still not tired of hearing that one?) and each of the "epilogue" conversations: Jackie figuring things out regarding the whole wingman project, Star thanking Marco about the Blood Moon ball once she realized what had truly been at stake (which, of course, she would do in cannon if she knew, but see p.s.), Grampa Rogelio showing up again and explaining why his metaphors work better than the standard, and finally, of course, this heart-melting dialog:
“Yup,” Star agreed. “‘Cause tomorrow's gonna be another awesome day!”
“And so's the day after that,” Marco said with a smile.
“And the day after that, and the day after that!” Star replied brightly.
So, overall, I love this fic and will probably re-read from the start again soon enough. As for the arguable 'moral of the story', I myself feel that love is sometimes slightly overrated and friendship is way way underrated, so I approve.
p.s. My take on Blood Moon Ball is that the Blood Moon *chooses* two souls, and Tom is delusional if he thinks there was any chance it would chose him and Star, even if Marco hadn't gone. More likely, the Blood Moon *knew* Marco would be there, or it is fated, or whatever. But that is not my opinion on your work but on Daron Nefcy's.
Chapter 12 - SPOILERS ABOUND!
First off, I don't think anyone could do a better job of portraying Marco as such a honorable young man. Seriously, how many teenage boys would hesitate when their sexy girlfriend demands that they have intense, steamy sex with another pretty, sexy girl whom he happens to like a lot already? And while said girlfriend watches? Even after said pretty girl says she's fine with it too? Even hoping that after getting started that his girlfriend would call it off? Okay, I'll admit that's pretty in-character for Marco, so the really impressive part was how Jackie's reasoning felt very natural for the situation and matched well with her lively yet easygoing personality.
Meanwhile Star's shocked silence then demand for clarification was a great set-up for how quickly she agreed once she knew that Jackie and Oskar were serious. Then, just when I thought it couldn't get any better, it turns out that her seemingly-casual take on it was really a statement about how strongly she believed that their friendship would thrive forever no matter what. (And I agree that the nod to the word screwing was a cute touch too.)
Their lovemaking started wonderfully enough, even while expressing their awkwardness perfectly. It was cute how they started to make fun of the situation a little until Jackie told them to get serious (another point for my first paragraph); still, I was glad that even after making good use of Jackie's and Oskar's observations about getting Marco and Star revved up that they again decided to do it their own way. Apparently Jackie and Oskar enjoyed the fact that they did, too.
The sexy action was fun and hot while also being the kind of caring thing that true soul mates would enjoy. The descriptions of their bodies were delicious too, and Star playing along with the Marquito thing without skipping a beat was cute. Actually all of the dialogue throughout added to the whole event without getting in the way once.
I'm just glad that they came to such a screaming finish because Jackie's final words sound a bit ominous, and I really could feel Marco's dread once the afterglow faded. No matter what, it's going to be interesting to see what happens from here. Thanks.
BTW the chapter title didn't have me the least bit worried that Princess Ponyhead would be joining in the action. Nope, not one bit… ;)
Ok, you know you have made an impression when my first thought upon seeing this fic at the top of the Cartoon section was literally "Yeeassh! Finally!!" Just letting you know that. Now, I actually wrote this first paragraph of the review before reading the chapter. Going in right now, the hype is real, I'll be back in, well, no time for you, since I'll post this review after reading...
*Chapter 12 spoilers (duh!)*
That was... awesome! It was cute to epic proportions, without failing to be also extremely hot.
You know how your gift is getting the characters exactly right? Well, you outdid yourself this time. I mean, I like that Oskar is not only not the jealous type but completely fucking unflappable (which you did establish well in multiple previous chapters). I also think Jackie is pretty well done, like, she is cool, but she is also vulnerable and human and likes Marco a lot. And, ok, Star and Marco starting awkward and nervously was nice to see and pretty entertaining. Also, I think the quote “I suppose our screwing could screw things up. Wait—is that why that one word means both things?” is the most Star thing I can imagine. That's all good. Your standard level of good. It lives up to the hype. But it is not what I am talking about here. I am talking, of course, of the moment they decide to stop trying to be serious and be their goofy selves except well, doing it. Their chemistry is off the fucking charts! And this is *exactly* what Star and Marco would be like if they ever had sex. It cannot possibly be topped. I mean, I am not saying I am going to stop writing Starco porn now, but holy shit, this is perfect!
Also, if this is truly the final chapter like you said and we never get more explanation from Jackie than “You love each other,” I am afraid I might have to hate you forever. Just saying.
I wish I had useful constructive comments for you, and I might give that a try on a second read, assuming there even are things that can be improved... but right now I am fanboying too hard. The only typo I noticed on my first read was that this part is missing a closing quotation mark: But you and Star have been best buds almost since you met.
As promissed...
Chapter 11 review:
Ok, I love this one and didn't miss the lack of sex in this chapter one bit. Well, to be fair that's in part because I know it is coming next chapter, but still. Great chapter.
And... whoa, well, that's a cliffhanger...
*massive spoilers ahead, obviously*
So, the love potion only reveals feelings that are already there. Which means Jackie (with Oskar as a conspirator) is probing to see if Marco and Star have feelings for each other. The question is what will Jackie and Oskar do when they realize they indeed do. Because, as much as I like Starco, I don't believe even the whole "destined to be together" thing automatically dooms their relationships with other people, specially not in the short term, and I mean, they are teenagers, short term is sort of the default assumption. Also, I get that the fact that love potions can't make you do something you don't desire to do makes them less, well, date-rapey. But aren't there ethical implications to forcing someone to *act* on desires they might have? Isn't it a bit like truth serum that additionally (soft?) compels you to act on your emotions, even when it would be inconvenient to do so based on what you think is right to do? Not that Star and Marco couldn't refuse, since they are at least being told to drink it rather than have it slipped into their drinks... and well ... You know what? I think you are onto something when my reaction to your pornographic fanfic (and I mean it in the best possible sense) is to ponder the broad philosophical implications of your chosen plot device. Kudos!
Of course, orthogonal to that whole discussion, I am very much looking forwards to see what happens. Both with Star and Marco, and with their relationships to the other two!
Also, I already ship Janna x Ruby. And I usually revile OC pairings in this kind of fic, but with Tom being a dick this pairing makes perfect sense for Janna and it can't be a truly epic fic without the best non-main character in the series getting their happy ending! (heh). Wonder if we will see more of *that* relationship...
And, speaking about Tom being a dick, I second the notion that it is good that he is at least a self-aware dick of the "This is the cliche villain thing to do, but... well, here I go!" kind ;)
I could repeat that the characters are spot on, but even you must tire of hearing that. Please continue! I need to know what happens now.
Chapter 10
To start, it was fun to imagine Darkstar beating up the skin demons, even if she had a much more violent approach and actually enjoyed it a bit too much. Then again, I'm a big fan of "nice people" cutting loose once in a while to show that they can be hardcore. (Superman: Doomsday was the perfect example, IMO. :))
I'm glad Boner was competent for once and notified Tom when the elevator had been called. Too bad the surprise attack didn't work out so well; and I had a lot of hope for Janna when she suddenly turned on Tom, but it makes perfect sense that she wouldn't be able to use the wand well at first no matter how much she'd studied. (It would have been a bit like finding an alien spaceship and just knowing how to fly it somehow.) Calling in the liberated Princesses was a great touch and made for a perfectly wild scene.
Finally, the key to Star's freedom was brilliant, and the way she discovered it had some nice feeling to it too. Nothing like a little self-discovery and growth to move the plot along. That it happens to be perfectly in-character for her is the cream cheese icing on this wonderful carrot cake of a story. Then it was a nice to end on a "good news" cliffhanger, even if there was still a lot of stuff to deal with.
Chapter 11
There was some terrific action, all described beautifully yet succinct enough that reading it didn't take longer than the movements themselves. Jackie's break to get the wand back to Star was great. Throwing in some exposition was great too, especially the bit about Tom's self-awareness. The swordfight was terrifically exciting and flowed perfectly. Ending with Star's reaffirmation of her lesson was a sweet little touch, though I also loved that Ruby got her revenge by lopping off Tom's other testi… er, horn.
Giving Boner a better name was very sweet of Star too. (I love that skeleton. :) )
The subtlety with which Jackie's aloofness came into the picture worked nicely with the timeline. Not too sudden and not overplayed, and it was nice that Marco was his sensitive self enough to at least detect a hint of it when Jackie and Oskar left his house. When Jackie called Marco and Star to come over I knew that it was bittersweet o'clock. Marco's initial confusion about why she got out the pink-heart potion made perfect sense yet made for a nice little bombshell to end on. Some people would say that it's possible to be soul mates even without romantic attraction, but even then it would get in the way of any romantic relationships anyway. My only hope is that Jackie isn't basing her decision entirely on what Tom told them about the Blood Moon.
It's a great sign of your superior storytelling that throughout these chapters I didn't miss the erotic stuff one lick. :) Thanks again for more doses of pure awesomeness.
#melius tarde, quam nunquam
This is the story that got me into writting on this site. The situations are hot (and cute at the same time), and the characters are extremely on point as of SvtFoE season 1, which is when this story seems to take place. I have been wanting to do a chapter by chapter review of the whole thing for a while, but I realized I will never find the time to do that, so asside from the above, I will comment mainly on Chapter 10 and then perhaps write or edit this review for future chapters.
So... yeah, Chapter 10 *spoilers*:
I shouldn't have liked this Chapter that much compared to the rest. No sex ensues, there is a rapid fire of cut scenes, and the Tom plot always rubbed me the wrong way (mostly because while Tom and Janna character's are perfectly plausible for season 1, both Tom as an evil-mastermind villain and Janna jelous of Star don't quite fit with their season 2 development).
And yet, I enjoyed it a lot, mostly because the characters dialog and reactions are perfectly on point when they need to be. Star sounds like Star, Marco sounds like Marco, Ponyhead is unmistakeably I-hear-her-freaking-voice-in-my-head Ponyhead. And you manage to do it with literal hordes of characters, when I know how hard is to get 2 or 3 characters interacting properly in character in a single scene.
The callbacks to St. Olga, to Janna having read the book of spells (even though Narwhal Blast is not in there ;) ), and the scisors were super clever, and the way in which they fool Tom with the elevator could pass for part of the plot of an actual episode.
Now what I am really looking forward is to seeing what happens with the "destined to be together" bombshell that just got dropped on the four kids. Also, extra-evil-Tom is going to get his ass so Narwhaled, and not in a good way.
Just wanted to toss out a review for the finished product and thank you again for giving me a chance to beta for you. I like that you gave more description to the skin demons, it was the one thing I realized I forgot to mention while I was working after I sent you my notes. I'm glad to see the Blood Moon brought up and the characters made somewhat aware of its importance, should lead to some great tension in future chapters. You did really well increasing the drama of Star and Darkstar's struggle at the end, it felt way more compelling.