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schedule
May 19, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Great start to the story.
Obviously there should be atleast a second chapter, Ron has to thank Kim by giving her at the very least some RonShine.
Obviously there should be atleast a second chapter, Ron has to thank Kim by giving her at the very least some RonShine.
schedule
May 17, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Wow!
Really excellently written.
Please continue!
Joe
Really excellently written.
Please continue!
Joe
schedule
May 17, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Excellent Job!You have done a great job of creating a compelling story line. From the first Paragraph to the last, you told a story that held my attention and left me wanting more. Many adult fan fic authors do not take the time to craft the characters surroundings, or to explain why their character are doing something. You have done both, and done it well.
Hope to see more soon!
Skeeve
Hope to see more soon!
Skeeve
schedule
May 15, 2008 at 12:00 AM
One thing I must mention is that a lot of your sentences run on. There's quite a few that would work better as two or three separate ones, so watch out for that next time. But other than that, great start.
schedule
May 14, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I think you should continue. It's well thought out and a nice story. I'm interested to here Rons explanation to Kim. I really hope you do continue, since I look forward to what happens next.
schedule
May 14, 2008 at 12:00 AM
great start. Can't wait to read more
schedule
May 14, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Not a bad premise, but you need a beta-reader in the worst way. At least you didn't just throw them into a sex scene like some writers are wont to do. You need help with sentence structure, commonly confused words, comma splices, coordinating conjunctions, run-ons, misspellings, and a few other things. And BTW, pointingly is not a word at all. Try to come up with something else.