rate_review Reviews

Dude, please tell me you're planning to continue this story. The first chapter is kind of boring and uneventful and some words are misspelled and some words that should be 1 are split into 2, such as "forgot" is written "for got",for example. So, please continue this story, and don't be afraid to add detail to it and make it a little more lemony. Just some tips, don't mean to sound mean or upset, after all, I'm not a professional critic.

continue please

It was alright, but rather short and uneventful.

Love the story. Ben/Gwen fics are awesome, update soon!

Really good idea. Now, here's some tips on how to make it legible.
Don't repeat the same words twice in a single sentence. Use the " key on the key board. Before you publish your work (or post it here), read it as if you hadn't read it. What does the reader need to know (like place, time of day, who does what when). If you're writing Erotic Fiction, describe the physical sensation of things too. Most of this applies to ALL writing. Rock on!

bit short

i agree with WS on all his advice and praise
and you do have lots of potential

Please read this to the end. Alright, this may sound kind of like a flame but I really can't see any way to say what I need to without being totally honest- so remember, I'm just trying to be helpful no matter how mean I may sound. This story is severely lacking in detail and plot, and I am aware that the plots become a bit more clear later on- so I'm not going to grill you on that on. However, I am going to roast your hiney over the lack of detail, we're all adults here (well we're supposed to be anyway) so I feel that sugarcoating the truth really doesn't work when a person NEEDS to work on some aspect of their writing. And you need to work on putting in more details (not just throwing them in like this) during the story, because face it, it's not a proper way to write, but you do have a very good start going here and this story has potential. Something you might want to consider doing is getting a beta to work with you on your story ideas (I just recently got one, just today in fact, and he's already helped my writing with just a couple suggestions- I'm taking a little break from my story to relax a bit is why I'm here now.) Something you need to keep in mind when you're writing as well is proper punctuation, some of the smaller things can be forgiven when doing stories but proper usage is still important, your biggest thing that I've noticed punctuation wise is that you don't use quotations like you should when characters are speaking, they're very important because they make seperating speech from the other parts of the story. Now that I've got that said, I actually wanted to say more but that can wait because I need to get back to my own story, anywho, if you'd like I'm willing to beta for you, just leave me a note either in you next chapter or your review box, and I'll give you a way to contact me- I'll also send you a beta-ed version of your first chapter, I did one out of boredom yesterday.

not a flame! Ben, Gwen, and Grandpa Max's last name is Tennyson. just trying to help.

Very nice. I hope you plan on more chapters. Also, a friendly tip, try adding quotation marks around what people are saying and also don't have more than one person speak per paragraph. Just a tip is all.