rate_review Reviews

MORE PLEASE!

Nice very nice. hope you continue this fast i cant wait to see with other girls you bring in this.

Glad you got Monique in on the action. Can't wait to see what happens in that 90 min of play time.

Hmmmm, interesting premise, but I don't think you are doing it enough justice. You set up an interesting group dynamic, and then forget all about it. For example, one of the first things you mention is that Kim has pretty much destroyed any chances Ron has of finding somebody special, purely out of selfishness. But they have had many conversations since then, she has set him up on a date, and we see nothing more of it other than her reasoning that him going out with Bonnie would only reinforce her selfish ways of keeping people from realizing she is a lesbian. This is such a big betrayal of Ron that it should weigh very, very heavily on her mind. Another thing is that is it suggested that Ron has this dark, cold side now, but we see none of it.

Also, there is some characterizations that do not make sense. Ron has never been on a date (due to Kim's lies), and yet he was cool and calm on his date with Bonnie. He should have been a nervous wreck. Bonnie falls in love with Ron just because he takes her to some fancy places and owns a porche? That kinda suggests she is either a whore (willing to do anything for money), or she is so shallow that money and flash sway her opinions. Kim hates the idea of cheating, yet she goes on to deliberately seduce Su? Huh?

I'm only reviewing after reading chapter three, so maybe some of these things have been addressed in future chapters, but I think it fair to say that most of these things should have been touched on by now.

I would suggest slowing things down. Go back to the first few chapters and add more material. Instead of one date, have Ron and Bonnie go on several. This will allow them time to grow some feelings (people just do not fall in love on the first date, particularly when one is already in a relationship and the other has never been on a date before). It will also make Kim's actions even more cruel, as she is destroying Ron's chances to find love with the girls around campus, and is seemingly setting him up with a girl he could never have. Add parts so that Kim is remorseful of what she is doing to Ron. Have Ron coldly fire the man who would not allow him to enter his own resteraunt, so that we can see the darker side of him that Kim created.

I have to tell you, as of right now these are my feelings towards the characters in your story. I feel sorry for Ron, but I actually don't see a lot of charatcer development for him. Bonnie is shallow, falling in love with a boy she used to hate just because he has a lot of money and takes her to some expensive places. Kim is a manipulative bitch who cheats on her girlfriend, betrays and hurts her best friend, and is too much of a coward to face her own mistakes.

But don't think my comments about are writen just to hurt or anything. I would not have mentioned anything if I didn't think this story worthwhile. I just think that you setup various situations, and then forget about them totally. Nothing a bit of revision can't fix.

You also might want to go back and re-read some of your chapters. I saw a lot of spelling errors. For example, in many places you wrote stait instead of straight. The word brunet should not be capitalized. That sort of thing.

Good luck on future chapters!

Man liked the new chapter I thought you were finished after I read the first time but looks like theres more to tell. Aside from spelling mistakes great job and I'm lookin forward to the next chapter.

Actually, Kratohoa is not in Italy. It's a island in Indonisha (Southeast Asia) that sits between the main lands of Java and Samatra. It erupted in 1883 with such force equal to thousands atomic bombs. Brush up on your history better before putting them in any fics. ;)

love the story spelling need a bit of work but

Wow. It took me two days to read this. And all I can say is... Wow. My only suggestions would be to listen to your spelling and grammar checker and then break this up into chapters. Aside from the little errors, it was a really good story. Wow.

Not too bad at all; as Zaratan said, spelling/grammar needs work, but other than that, it was most enjoyable. I see I'm not the only author here that likes the ide of Ron having his own personal harem (though yours is more extreme than mind in the bondage area, but to each his own). I do hope you decide to continue this.

Well now, it's not often you see something like this here, this was practically a novel. Grammer and spelling were off quite a bit, but not enough that I didn't enjoy the story itself. Excellent work overall.