rate_review Reviews

Hi I'm MasterGamerSempai from fanfiction.net.

I love stories and review often. As such I looked over this story and have grown to like Kammi. She's thoughtful and sweet and pretty. That makers her cool in my book. The rat thing never striked me as odd in fact I caught on to the Cat verses Rat thing quickly. Normally I don't like rats but genetically altered rats that can type and use manners is cool. Good story. Should you lose inspiration then please do not hesitate to write something else. Your good.

~MasterGamerSempai

HI...I decided that this one girl even if she's a beta tester needs to be dealt with so here we go.

You've got to be joking me. (No your a Joke.)

You could have made a semi-interesting OC that had her own little story, but you had to steal Catnappe's look and say she's your character? Come on now. You could have done much better. (FYI Catnappe's look was based of the original Catwoman so there.)

And he 'ran into her locker'? and just 'fell in love'? Please. (If you check the story you'll see he thought she was pretty but didn't fall in love right then idiot.)

Jack is hardly 18, he's 13-14 years old in the series. The Xiaolin Monks are only a few years behind him. If you don't believe me, look it up. (Maybe this story was supposed to be placed in the future...EVER THINK OF THAT?)

Now I do owe you a critique because you do have room to improve, we all do. (Awww she's tying to be nice but is failing miserably.)

First of all, refrain from making characters that are related to previously created characters with a damn good, in depth story to go with it (following why they haven't appeared in the series already). Also, try not to make characters in the immediate family (Brothers, Sisters, First Cousins...etc) because their are no real explanation as to why they are suddenly entering the story. (People do it all the time its called adding an OC...They have to have a reason for being there. In one of the Xiaolin Showdown episodes you meet Clays sister. Did you think that was wrong to?)

Second, character's cursing is very distasteful for TV shows where they normally don't do so. It sounds weird, and its rather out of character for most of them. Unless they really have a great reason for it, I would try to find more creative insults and cries of pain or frustration. (I see your point there actually. Cussing doesn’t work all the time.)

Third, OC's, in order to be liked need to have original and interesting personalities. You've basically made a Mary-sue (A character modeled after yourself). The concept is cute and all, but its nothing new or exciting. I suggest making a girl who has some quirks too her.. that makes her different from all the rest. People may like a miss nicey-nice pants but tell me how many people act like that normally? (I know three off the top of my head actually. There’s nothing wrong with a mary-sue. People generally don't like them cause there useless in a crisis but this Kammi girls got fight in her. Besides I'd call liking rats a quirk wouldn't you? Normal people don't like Rats or model a super villain after one. Your excuses are lame. Do us all a favor and go be a pessimist somewhere else.)

Fourth, first impressions are key. Him 'slamming' into her locker is a bit lame and overused. You have a good head on your shoulders and I'm sure you can do much better. I'm doubting now that Jack even goes to school like normal children, he's probably home schooled by his mother. Just like the monks are schooled by Master Fung. (I was home schooled threw high school and I can say Jack is so not Home schooled. He doesn’t fit the description. He’s more of a delinquent who skips a lot for personal gain. *cough Shen gon wu cough* Also I've ran into doors, poles, lockers, and many other things as well and sometimes made friends with the people who happened to be around at the time. I'm a people person.)

Fifth, descriptions need to be more in depth. You're using a few sentences to describe mostly everything. That’s not exciting or anything a real book would be like right? The fun of reading is having good descriptions and you lack that in your fanfiction. Try going more in depth. Into the characters thoughts, feelings, physical state.. etc. (That would be true for those who wish to further there writing career but I know many who write just for the fun of it. Although they do wish to get better they don't respond to max criticism. Lighten up a little and give us real reasons why you don't like the story. Stop basing your criticism off your own personal tastes. Its retarded. Thank you and good luck.)

i do hope you keep going with this stroy it's a rely good one

very cute.

oh and I forgot, (drops down on knees) THANK YOU FOR A M/F FANFIC, DEAR GOD! WHY CAN'T THERE BE AS AMNY STRAIGHT COUPLE PAIRINGS ON HERE FOR THIS PARTICULAR SERIES!!!?? I'M SO TIRED OF SCROLLING THROUGH HERE GOING gay, gay, gay, hh whats that? sound interesting oh wait jack and chase.......gay, gay, more gay, arg soooo much gay! it literally has become a breath of fresh air just to see a m/f fic in this damn section so thank you!!

You've got to be joking me.

You could have made a semi-interesting OC that had her own little story, but you had to steal Catnappe's look and say she's your character? Come on now. You could have done much better.

And he 'ran into her locker'? and just 'fell in love'? Please.

Jack is hardly 18, he's 13-14 years old in the series. The Xiaolin Monks are only a few years behind him. If you don't believe me, look it up.

Now I do owe you a critique because you do have room to improve, we all do.

First of all, refrain from making characters that are related to previously created characters with a damn good, in depth story to go with it (following why they haven't appeared in the series already). Also, try not to make characters in the immediate family (Brothers, Sisters, First Cousins...etc) because their are no real explanation as to why they are suddenly entering the story.

Second, character's cursing is very distasteful for TV shows where they normally don't do so. It sounds weird, and its rather out of character for most of them. Unless they really have a great reason for it, I would try to find more creative insults and cries of pain or frustration.

Third, OC's, in order to be liked need to have original and interesting personalities. You've basically made a mary-sue (A character modeled after yourself). The concept is cute and all, but its nothing new or exciting. I suggest making a girl who has some quirks too her.. that makes her different from all the rest. People may like a miss nicey-nice pants but tell me how many people act like that normally?

Fourth, first impressions are key. Him 'slamming' into her locker is a bit lame and overused. You have a good head on your shoulders and I'm sure you can do much better. I'm doubting now that Jack even goes to school like normal children, he's probably home schooled by his mother. Just like the monks are schooled by Master Fung.

Fifth, descriptions need to be more in depth. You're using a few sentences to describe mostly everything. Thats not exciting or anything a real book would be like right? The fun of reading is having good descriptions and you lack that in your fanfiction. Try going more in depth. Into the characters thoughts, feelings, physical state.. etc.

I hope my review has been useful too you -^^-

Nnng I just read over the later chapters...

Try not to power-play her either.. you made her waaaaay too perfect without any weakness basically.

As far as M/F Jack fics go, this is possibly the best one I've read though.

ah love is building

hope the next chapter comes soon

love the story waiting for the next up date

its nice and they are about 3 or 4 non gay fics in here, thanks pls do a large fic pls its the only think that i would read here until finished or other non gay fic