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October 10, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Alright, let's see... I found this story around 11, and it is now four in the morning. I read all 22 chapters in one fell swoop. I am now squirming - SQUIRMING, itching, drooling, craving - with the want of another chapter. Your characterizations are good. Your pacing is wonderful. The creativity of taking the Rape of Persephone story and modifying it to create a story about Zuko and Katara... is refreshing. Your use of language and vocabulary is impressive. And the smut is awesome. =P
I only have one criticism, and that is on grammar. Your punctuation needs work. Example:
(Original line) “Yes... yes.” Hakoda replied calmly, almost absent-mindedly.
(Should be) “Yes... yes,” Hakoda replied calmly, almost absent-mindedly.
Yeah, I know, I'm making a big deal about using a period where a comma should be, but it does distract from the story a bit when the punctuation is often incorrect. Or at least, it distracts when you're a grammar nazi like me.
I only have one criticism, and that is on grammar. Your punctuation needs work. Example:
(Original line) “Yes... yes.” Hakoda replied calmly, almost absent-mindedly.
(Should be) “Yes... yes,” Hakoda replied calmly, almost absent-mindedly.
Yeah, I know, I'm making a big deal about using a period where a comma should be, but it does distract from the story a bit when the punctuation is often incorrect. Or at least, it distracts when you're a grammar nazi like me.
schedule
October 4, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Bring on the next chapter PLEASE! This story is fanstatic!! SyJen
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September 29, 2008 at 12:00 AM
aang really needs to grow up he thinks too much like a child. now daddy is here n all hell is gonna break loose. will katara be able to talk some sense to hakoda or should we pray that toph and the other elder gods make another appearance.
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September 28, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Oh the suspense is killing me! Please hurry with the next update!
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September 28, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Awesome as always. I cannot wait for more now that I am caught up! WRITE ON!
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September 27, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Nooo! Cliff hangers make me so sad! Keep writing though, I can't wait to see how Hakoda and Zuko settle their differences.
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September 27, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Wow, anouther awesome chapter. I just love this story.
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September 27, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Yay! You used one of my suggestions!
Don't worry, Freezing Lightning Ten will be up tomorrow. I already have some of the opener in my head, the middle (Katara gets jealous), and Zuko does something brave nearly dies, but its brave and I finally kill Suki (don't really like Suki...but hey ^_^).
I also have plan for a really beautiful poetic scene where Zuko and Katara kiss in the rain. Not sure when I'll stick in there, but I will!
I also love when Zuko turned into a dragon! So cool! His dragon form is a European dragon? Not an Asain dragon? Just wondering. Because I see him as a awesome Euro-dragon.
Speaking of dragons. The Chinese dragon has a three thousand year life span.
1: A thousand years as an egg.
2: Five hundred years as a koi shaped dragon.
3: Another five hundred years as the traditional Chinses dragon (WITHOUT HORNS and its deaf too, even though it has ears. They don't work I guess.)
4: Another five hundred years before it developed horns, and it stays in this form for another five hundred years.
5: In the final stage, it grows wings. The rares of all Chinese dragons is a ying-long.
My parents got me a book on the world myths of dragons. Some of the early chapters about the different serpent dragons contain the actual legend, so it also doubles as a nice bedtime book when you really want a nice fairytail and not a Brothers' Grimm one. Its called Dragon: A Narutal History. Its a really good book too. Then I got another one by Circeulo (favorite artist of all time, along with you and a bunch of other people on DA of course. But he draws the best dragons, seriously! I've never seen anyoned draw dragons as well as he does! And the creepy thing is he draws dragons just how I imagine them, of course I have only a pair of horns for dragons while he gives them a mane of spikes and ears. I see dragons with lizard's ears.)
Katara didn't seem to terrified of Zuko in dragonmode. Actually she seemed kinda shocked, not terrified. Then again, she knows Zuko would rather kill himself before hurting her, so I guess her lack of total ZOMFG! MY HUSBAND IS A TEN FOOT TALL, SIXTY FOOT LONG DRAGON! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! is completely justified. Though you for Zuko's scar, there are two things you may want to consider doing if and when you edit this.
1: You may want to make the scales around his left eye either a very dull color or grey to symbolize that the scales are dead, because of the skin underneath is so badly scarred that blood can't get to the roots of the scale to feed them, hence the scales are dead and very brittle.
2: You could also not have Zuko have scales arouund his left eye, but red skin and make people wonder why the scales around his eye aren't there.
3: Or you can have them in an unorganize fansion. But that'll be heard to discribe and a reader may not get a good viusal unless they've read the Temerarie seires (Good set of books FYI, by Naomi Novik. Its like Master and Commander meets Dragonheart. Really good! First heart about in Times magazine. The first book his called "His Majesty's Dragon")
Please reply with a note on DA! If you want to that is...I hope you do. I like talking to you. And House of Flying Daggers is filled with Zutara goodness! Seriously! Its a great forgein film.
Sincerely,
Your loyal fan and worshipper,
DJ
PS: I hope I'm not boring you with my ramblings.
Don't worry, Freezing Lightning Ten will be up tomorrow. I already have some of the opener in my head, the middle (Katara gets jealous), and Zuko does something brave nearly dies, but its brave and I finally kill Suki (don't really like Suki...but hey ^_^).
I also have plan for a really beautiful poetic scene where Zuko and Katara kiss in the rain. Not sure when I'll stick in there, but I will!
I also love when Zuko turned into a dragon! So cool! His dragon form is a European dragon? Not an Asain dragon? Just wondering. Because I see him as a awesome Euro-dragon.
Speaking of dragons. The Chinese dragon has a three thousand year life span.
1: A thousand years as an egg.
2: Five hundred years as a koi shaped dragon.
3: Another five hundred years as the traditional Chinses dragon (WITHOUT HORNS and its deaf too, even though it has ears. They don't work I guess.)
4: Another five hundred years before it developed horns, and it stays in this form for another five hundred years.
5: In the final stage, it grows wings. The rares of all Chinese dragons is a ying-long.
My parents got me a book on the world myths of dragons. Some of the early chapters about the different serpent dragons contain the actual legend, so it also doubles as a nice bedtime book when you really want a nice fairytail and not a Brothers' Grimm one. Its called Dragon: A Narutal History. Its a really good book too. Then I got another one by Circeulo (favorite artist of all time, along with you and a bunch of other people on DA of course. But he draws the best dragons, seriously! I've never seen anyoned draw dragons as well as he does! And the creepy thing is he draws dragons just how I imagine them, of course I have only a pair of horns for dragons while he gives them a mane of spikes and ears. I see dragons with lizard's ears.)
Katara didn't seem to terrified of Zuko in dragonmode. Actually she seemed kinda shocked, not terrified. Then again, she knows Zuko would rather kill himself before hurting her, so I guess her lack of total ZOMFG! MY HUSBAND IS A TEN FOOT TALL, SIXTY FOOT LONG DRAGON! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! is completely justified. Though you for Zuko's scar, there are two things you may want to consider doing if and when you edit this.
1: You may want to make the scales around his left eye either a very dull color or grey to symbolize that the scales are dead, because of the skin underneath is so badly scarred that blood can't get to the roots of the scale to feed them, hence the scales are dead and very brittle.
2: You could also not have Zuko have scales arouund his left eye, but red skin and make people wonder why the scales around his eye aren't there.
3: Or you can have them in an unorganize fansion. But that'll be heard to discribe and a reader may not get a good viusal unless they've read the Temerarie seires (Good set of books FYI, by Naomi Novik. Its like Master and Commander meets Dragonheart. Really good! First heart about in Times magazine. The first book his called "His Majesty's Dragon")
Please reply with a note on DA! If you want to that is...I hope you do. I like talking to you. And House of Flying Daggers is filled with Zutara goodness! Seriously! Its a great forgein film.
Sincerely,
Your loyal fan and worshipper,
DJ
PS: I hope I'm not boring you with my ramblings.
schedule
September 27, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Ooh, this could get ugly... At least Aang's not around anymore to keep making a fool of himself. I look forward to the next chapter. Until then, laters!
schedule
September 27, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Oooooo showdown! I like the term 'breeze rider' cute. This is a real page turner and I like the playfullness.