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September 27, 2005 at 12:00 AM
nice...very nice there aren't that many juniper lee fics out there....keep the chaps comin' but I would like to see a longer one....
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September 23, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Ok, much better; the flow is more even, well it quickens at the last of the 'exploration scene' but that is actually very correct for it. Grammar, elaboration, structure, and flow all show significant improvement; Keep working at it like this and your stories will become very well written pieces of literature. And I have to say, maybe it is the absense of tentacles, but this one was erm... gah I need a cigarette...
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September 18, 2005 at 12:00 AM
He-Hee. A nice sequel to a nice story. A little short, but its getting there. I liked the way up made up the Ophelia/June part. Hee-Hee, "original" to say the least. Thanks for mentioning my name at the end there, I look forward to your next update. He-he-hee Keep on writing!
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September 17, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Nice job, hope to see more. Next one should be a random monster. Also, paragraphing and maybe a BETA reader would be great to improve on the story.
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September 16, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Though I must agree this is rather short and swiftly paced, Juniper Lee stumbling across a hentai tentacle monster is too funny. I've never seen the the show, at least not all the way through, but I understand enough to appreciate this. Mostly I read it because I'm a tentacle fan, lol. Penguin Peace.
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September 16, 2005 at 12:00 AM
I have no idea what show this fanfic is for, but I'll give you points for a creative rape story.
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September 12, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Ok first off, Never expected this series to end up being written about, but it id.
Please take these comments constructively, they are not meant to bash you about your writing; merely to point out problems and offer suggestions for improvement...
1. Elaboration, the story starts off with very little detail describing the surroundings, why June is there, what exactly the little monster is... as the action progresses there is no in depth description, everything is described in its most basic style. Simple writing like this is good for say, stage directions in a play (because the actors need it simple, and they will end up describing the action through emulation to the audience), but when dealing with an audience who reads something, you need to describe things to the point that a person could paint a picture of it without much guesswork.
2. Plot, oh wait this is intended to be a plotless endeavor... ignore this one then.
3. Flow/Speed, Yeah it all happens so fast, by the time you start to get into the story, its over... extremely bad for most people... I am not saying write a full fledged novel for it (though that would get you a cult like following on here if done well), I am just saying use the hints in #1 to draw out the actions so that we (audience) feels like there is a logical and believable progression of action. As the story stands, its not so much describing a series of actions, as it is beating them across... Now with speed, comes Flow... Flow is harder to describe... Ok look back at all of my comment so far... Notice my abuse of elipses (...) and other punctuation to essentially give you an idea how I am speaking/thinking this out? This is BAD flow for a story, Your story flows like a flash flood... it's all at once, again this is a bad thing. You need to even the flow out, sure parts of the story can gush out like a geysur, but many parts of it are better when they trickle out at an easy pace.
4. Grammar/Punctuation, get a beta if you do not have one, I do not remember any specific errors, but hey my grammar sucks; so I always tag an authors story I review reminding them of the glory of a good beta reader. Get someone who am good at that there English speaking and writin... grab them and get them to first proof read your story for spelling/grammar errors, then to read it for content; a Beta reader can be the difference between a 2 star story, and a 4 star story... Trust me.
5. Keep up the writing, and don't be afraid to improve your writing!
Personal note; Why Tentacles??? I have seen, well most of it, Legend of the Overfiend and well Tentacles.... *shudder*
-Shadrach
Please take these comments constructively, they are not meant to bash you about your writing; merely to point out problems and offer suggestions for improvement...
1. Elaboration, the story starts off with very little detail describing the surroundings, why June is there, what exactly the little monster is... as the action progresses there is no in depth description, everything is described in its most basic style. Simple writing like this is good for say, stage directions in a play (because the actors need it simple, and they will end up describing the action through emulation to the audience), but when dealing with an audience who reads something, you need to describe things to the point that a person could paint a picture of it without much guesswork.
2. Plot, oh wait this is intended to be a plotless endeavor... ignore this one then.
3. Flow/Speed, Yeah it all happens so fast, by the time you start to get into the story, its over... extremely bad for most people... I am not saying write a full fledged novel for it (though that would get you a cult like following on here if done well), I am just saying use the hints in #1 to draw out the actions so that we (audience) feels like there is a logical and believable progression of action. As the story stands, its not so much describing a series of actions, as it is beating them across... Now with speed, comes Flow... Flow is harder to describe... Ok look back at all of my comment so far... Notice my abuse of elipses (...) and other punctuation to essentially give you an idea how I am speaking/thinking this out? This is BAD flow for a story, Your story flows like a flash flood... it's all at once, again this is a bad thing. You need to even the flow out, sure parts of the story can gush out like a geysur, but many parts of it are better when they trickle out at an easy pace.
4. Grammar/Punctuation, get a beta if you do not have one, I do not remember any specific errors, but hey my grammar sucks; so I always tag an authors story I review reminding them of the glory of a good beta reader. Get someone who am good at that there English speaking and writin... grab them and get them to first proof read your story for spelling/grammar errors, then to read it for content; a Beta reader can be the difference between a 2 star story, and a 4 star story... Trust me.
5. Keep up the writing, and don't be afraid to improve your writing!
Personal note; Why Tentacles??? I have seen, well most of it, Legend of the Overfiend and well Tentacles.... *shudder*
-Shadrach
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September 11, 2005 at 12:00 AM
He-he-heee-he-he-he. Congratulatioooons, He-hee. You just wrote the first Juniper Lee Fanfiction for AdultFanFiction.net. He-he-hee, and a fine one it is . I look forward to reading one with Ophelia. He-he-hee-hee-he, hee-hee, he-he-he-heee, ah-hee, he.Well Written, Detailed, and originaaaaal. hee-hee. KEEP ON WRITIIIIIIING